That's the Oasis.

Hi, lovelies!!! Completely exhausted at this point. But, I thought I should give some information concerning my audition...last night? Whatever night that was. I swear, they're all blending into a blur because my days are the same.

Anyway, it was awesome. I had ALL FIVE of them chuckling during my comedic monologue, which is kind of the point, I suppose. Also, I didn't kill my knee until after (I'll explain in a moment). The dramatic one could have gone a bit better, but I memorized that thing in a day. Less than a day. I didn't start memorizing until after rehearsal had ended on Tuesday. I'm getting way good at this, by the way. Should be a bit terrifying how fast my brain is starting to just click with this whole acting thing but it's just exhilarating for now. Also, I'm well aware of how much I can learn but that's all I'm doing and it's so nice to just have me hands-on-learning again. But I did react and I think that's why my favorite line from The Alchemist is "That's the oasis." It's not the most profound and it's not the most interesting thing that I say, but I am reacting and responding to the other actors instead of just telling my story, which is why I hate monologues. They're completely taken out of context and you have to imagine what has been going on previously. I suppose that's why they're a good thing to audition with but at the same time, ugh. There is no clear context. I like the context and the responding and auditioning monologues frustrate me because there is neither of those two in reality with auditioning monologues.

So about the knee thing. I've explained that I'm a very physical actor, yes? Well, for the Twelfth Night monologue, there's this part where Viola says "O Time, thou must untangle this, not I; it is far too hard a knot for me to untie". On the O Time part, I just dropped to my knees one time when I was practicing it for my audition for Midsummer and I decided that that was a good call. When I auditioned, I didn't realize the floor was concrete and I hit it hard enough for me to forget what the rest of the lines were after O Time because it hurt like a motherless goat. I also gasped out the O Time in a pain filled wheeze.
This time, in an effort to not completely bruise up my knee again (I apparently lead with the right one), I bent my knees a bit and then dropped. Much less painful even though I still had to shake out my legs. So, there I was, feeling all pleased with myself  that I hadn't bruised my knees. Later that night when I tried to jump up on my bed (it requires a bit of a launch), I apparently pulled my right knee up a bit too far and I slammed it into my bedframe.
Let me tell you. That hurt. That was excruciating. I started hollering and writhing on my bed and I have no idea what I said other than at one point I did say "Son of a motherless goat who has no uncle". And thus, I still managed to bruise my right knee up that night because I am incredibly clumsy.
Oh, and the audition for the student film is this Saturday. I'm thinking of doing my Twelfth Night one again (as it seems to be becoming my go to monologue) and also something actually from TV or film. Hey, the person wants contrasting. TO MY SEARCH FOR MONOLOGUES!!!!!!!

When I find out if callback is yay or nay, I'll let y'all know. A bientot!!

When you cannot go back, you need only worry about the best way of moving forward.

So, lovelies, I'm sure you're impatiently waiting for the results of the callback.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaand...


I didn't get a part. And that's fine. Yes, I was a little disappointed but I'm adjusting to acting well and that isn't the only play I'll ever have the opportunity to do nor will this be the only time I will get the chance to be in it. You can't just fulfill all your dreams at once. Where would be the fun in that?

The best way for me to move forward is to do more auditions. So that's exactly what I'm doing. I signed up for an audition for Winter's Tale for tomorrow (the first round was tonight and the second is tomorrow night). I'm supposed to have two contrasting Shakespeare monologues for it. So I'm going to use the comedic one from Twelfth Night and I found one from Antony and Cleopatra that is super depressing. So, there are my contrasting monologues. I'm having a lot of fun with the depressing one because I'm getting to utilise the proud, noble part of my personality.This one I can just instinctively feel. I can feel her pain and her fierce pride and her despair. The queen who had everything and lost it all. I picked this one because it drew me.
We're supposed to explore ourselves in our roles and auditions. This one interests me and I want to get that one in touch.

So I have that audition tomorrow and Saturday, I'm doing an audition for a student film. That one is kind of wigging me out but I know that I look good on video, much better than in pictures. And I can be confident. I just need to figure out my second monologue for that. But I can do that after the audition tomorrow.

It is my birthright!

I love callbacks. I hate monologues. If I could audition with something other than monologues, I'd be super happy. Buuuuuttttttt...

Seriously, that was so much fun. It was feeding off of emotions I was getting from the other people. It was being able to be that loud dramatic person that I usually hide and tone down and not feel self conscious about it. It was incredible and two hours long and the time passed so quickly. It startled me when I saw what time it was.

And because of that experience, I want to audition more. I want to interact with more actors and work with them. I'm not super friendly but I am when I'm put in a group because there's no point in not being friendly. I'm also willing to talk to pretty much anyone. I probably won't initiate the conversation though.

But I got to stretch some acting legs that I didn't know I had and that was amazing. It just fueled that hunger and determination and pure desire to learn. They may have a lot more experience than I do. And that's okay. Because acting has claimed my soul, whatever's left of it. I don't do things halfway. I do or don't and because there are so many different opportunities to learn and such, this is going to stay on the do for a long while. How can I get bored when there are so many new things? I can't and that's the important thing. I get bored so easily with constant routine.

I can do this. I can. I will. And I will take the world by storm because I have a conqueror's soul and a healer's heart. Hello, world! You're mine, or you will be.

Ooh, I should put a quote from Loki up as my title...

Besides which you see, I have confidence in me!

So, my lovelies, as I'm sure you read from the last post, I got a callback for A Midsummer Night's Dream.
First of all, I'd just like to say how scary it is that I'm adjusting to auditioning as well as I am. Third audition in, I've got a minor part in a little play thing (it's awesome and perfect to give me hope because I'll never forget that first part) and a callback for a much, much bigger one. First audition, terrified out of my wits and I flopped miserably. Second audition, I didn't give myself time to be nervous and cold reads will probably be the way to go for me, at least for a little bit until I get used to it. Third audition, Shakespearean comedic monologue which I picked from Twelfth Night. That's the one you might remember from a few posts back that means something to me because of my sister. Go check that post out. It was awesome and I'm not just saying that because I wrote the post.
I would just like to admit here since I haven't admitted it to anyone yet, I was mimicking the style of one of the actresses from the London company that was here for Much Ado About Nothing for a couple of the lines. I didn't even realize I was doing it, until I heard her voice repeat the monologue I did for the first audition in my head. After that, I was trying to put more me into it. It might have worked. It might not have. But whatever I did, it was enough to get me a callback and now I need to figure out what I did so I can mimic it. Obviously, they liked what I did, so I need to...essentially mimic myself almost mimicking someone else. Wow... Chaos.
Anyway, Midsummer Night's Dream is done by the touring company here at BYU and is one of the official plays here. In fact, it's one of the plays that is $2 with the freshman arts card thing. That's how big it is. And I think they're doing the tours for the elementary schools in the area. Have I mentioned how I am terrified of children under the age of five? Three is borderline freak-out. Five is manageable but still super wigged. Also, do you know how good that will look on a resume? Seriously, I get a part in this production and that is getting added to my resume faster than you can say "a flibberty gibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown". It's completely legit. I'm also hoping to do an audition for a student film tomorrow night and I'll do it as late as possible after the callbacks so I just need to brush up on my a) monologues from Audition 1, b) my lines for The Alchemist, and c) the tips I've picked up about callbacks.
And there's a new episode of Z Nation tomorrow night (super excited but super sad at the same time). Saturday, I've got rehearsals for Alchemist. I have a paper due on Monday on Waiting for Godot. I'll have Chem homework for Saturday. Studying for history and getting the notes from my friend. Also, I have to get around to doing visiting teaching for relief society because the month is over next week and...that's bad. But good because that means I turn 19 in less than two weeks. Mission age. ...And still no desire. Okay, well then, back to whatever this post is...

If it sounds like I've got a thousand things going on at once, I do. Or at least it feels like it. But as opposed to school work, which drowns me, this feels like a challenge and I do love a challenge. Besides, I'm on a deadline here. If I want to have the possibility of being in Z Nation, which got renewed for another season and I might have a shot at it, then I need to get an agent. If I can get an agent (I also read up that you don't want to put everything you've ever been in on the resume so if I have only a couple of things and one or two of them is filmed, I'll be golden) (I'm also super friendly and charming on the first meeting most of the time, especially when it's important like this), then I can request to have the ear put down for anything remotely related to Z Nation.
I flip between wondering what the heck I'm doing and feeling completely sure that I can do this. This is terrifying. I'm not sure I can express just how terrifying it is because I'm trying to not focus on this. I cannot let fear distract me. Because I'm leaving my comfort zone far, far behind and some days, I wonder why I'm doing that. Then I remember that I don't want to settle and I don't want to just be okay, and I don't want to survive. I want to live.
Living entails taking risks and, baby, I'm from Vegas. Sort of. It's gambler's paradise there. I've done the big city. I've done the small city. I was born in a college town and spent the important years (the ones that helped to super shape my personality) on a farm. I'm as well rounded in that respect as a person needs.
Bring. It. On. Because I will rise to the challenge.
To everyone who is reading this, thank you. You all rock. No, really. You are amazing individuals and I like having you guys here. I don't know if you actually care or you just find me amusing or you want to watch me crash and burn or you actually want me to succeed, and I'm not getting anything, but I enjoy knowing that for whatever reason, people are reading this. Seriously, I'm easy to find. Twitter, I'm @brookeaharding. I'm on Tumblr (which may actually be linked to my Twitter account, I'd have to check to be certain). I'm on Instagram even though I don't do much with it. I'm on Facebook. Send me a DM (or whatever that term is) or tweet at me and tell me stuff. It doesn't even have to be remotely related to this blog. Just say something like "The sky is purple and the words are great". And then tell me about your day or your week. Or just whatever. I want to interact with you guys. If you guys don't feel comfortable, that's fine. Trust me, I get it.

But for now, adieu because the sun has gone to bed and so must I. And I leave you with the beautiful sounds of Julie Andrews' voice:
I Have Confidence

You grabbed a coma patient?

I just got a callback for Midsummer Night's Dream.

I'm not sure we realize how excited I am.

I'll put up a post after I'm finished with my chemistry homework because as much as I would like it, school is still happening.

You know who does that? Crazy people. We are insane.

Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm insane. But I asked for as many opportunities as possible this year and I'm getting them thrown at me so I'm not going to complain. Also, it's my favorite play and there is no way on this planet that I'm going to give up the opportunity to perform it.
In the middle of The Alchemist and I'm auditioning for Midsummer Night's Dream. Yup. I'm going there. We're performing Alchemist on November 13th (not a Friday, unfortunately) and MN'sD isn't getting performed until February sometime I don't think. So I'm going to bet that auditions and callbacks are going to take some time and then they have to get the rehearsal schedule set up so about the same time that that is happening, we should be finishing up and getting ready to perform. In theory, I should be okay to do both. I'll be jumping from one into the other but whatever. Also, I'm trying to memorize my lines (all four of them...) for Alchemist but I've almost got them down. On top of that, I have to memorize a 1-2 minute Shakespeare comedic monologue. SHAKESPEARE!!!! I'm thinking Twelfth Night or Taming of the Shrew since I'm somewhat familiar with those stories and I don't really want to do Much Ado About Nothing because we had that performed for us and it'll be prominent in people's minds.

And I'm 95% sure I'm going to be switching majors because there is no way I'll be able to emotionally handle not being able to soothe the world's ills and learning about them analytically. I guess this is the price I pay for opening up my emotions for acting. I can't help everyone and it sucks. So yeah. I'm going to go do homework and study for my history midterm. And pray. There will definitely be some praying happening.

Peace out!!

Life is short.

It's a good day today so I thought I'd put a picture up. Even if I'm dog tired and getting over being sick. That, by the way, is why I haven't put anything up recently. Seriously, I hate getting sick. It just hits my lungs first and it's ridiculously difficult to get rid of anything.

But, hi! That's me! Brooke Harding, in the flesh. Sort of. I figured you guys should know sort of what I look like in an impromptu picture (ignoring the one from Universal because ugh, I hate pictures) since I have people that actually read this. That's still just incredible to me and from so many different countries. My hat goes off to you. Well, if I was wearing a hat. You get my meaning. And just so you guys know, my eyes are actually more blue than that. They look super grey in that picture but whatever. Hi, again, friends!!

I had my first rehearsal Thursday. I was going to post something but again, Brooke was sick. It took me a little bit just because I had absolutely no idea what was going but I got into the swing of things. I nearly whacked the guy who is playing Santiago in the chest with my arm when I was feeling anger at being robbed. He figured out quickly that even though I don't do much movement normally, as soon as I start acting something out, my entire body gets used. I knew that just because of what I've done with the worlds I created in my head. I've thrown myself to the ground, I've run into trees, I get very physical for something that isn't actually happening. 

But I've also discovered how easily I feed off external emotion. I generate emotion on my own, but it is ridiculously easy for me to feed off of someone else's. Which could technically fall under the category of mob mentality but I'd like to imagine that it's just a useful acting trait. My loud voice is inherited and I've had theatre teachers ask me if I'm in theatre. I had to say no because up until this year, I was in choir. I was pretty awesome at it. My claim to performing fame at this point in my life is I have performed on stage during an actual concert with Barry Manilow. I was one of the people on a mic too. That was amazing. I'll have to do a post dedicated to that because wow. (Side note, I just ran screeching down the hall because one of the executive producers of Z Nation (my new addiction and holy crap, I sincerely want to be on it so I need to start talking to people) reblogged one of my posts on Tumblr)

I'm realizing all of these traits that I've picked up over the years and ones that I've had forever that are absolutely perfect for acting and it scares and exhilarates me all at the same time. It's that feeling you get on a roller coaster when you're looking down at a big drop. At least that's how it is for me. It's amazing. I love this feeling. 

Oh, and in case any of you were wondering, I told my parents that I a) didn't want to go into the FBI anymore which is a good thing because I couldn't emotionally take not being able to help everyone (learned that in Sociology today) and b) that I want to be an actor. Which I technically am now. They took it a lot better than I was dreading and I'm getting the familial support and that's incredibly important since part of the reason I'm doing this is so I can help my family. So that's a huge weight off my shoulders. My family knows. My grandma (it's so adorable and a little annoying) is now concerned that I'm going to be used and I'm going to start drinking and doing drugs and it just amuses me because I'm not the granddaughter that she should be worrying about. My addictions run more to books and TV and movies and video games. I don't even like how Advil makes me feel. Why on earth would I do drugs or drink alcohol?

Sorry, really tired and completely excited. I just... I know what can be and I feel like I'm not doing anything to work on it. Yeah, school is important and everything. But I really do feel like it's trying to distract me. And I'm really looking forward to Thursday nights now because I've gotten my first taste of actual acting that's not in English class (or French, but that's a whole different can of worms) and I earnestly want more. I want to break the limits of my horizons. I'm starting with The Alchemist. Who knows where I can go from here?

It's The Possibility of Having A Dream That Makes Life Interesting

So my first read through is tonight. We were talking about makeup in theatre today, which is absolutely fascinating but not something I'm interested in doing. Just learning about.
Buuuuut it's still absolutely fascinating.
The more shows I'm starting to watch, the more I want to be in them to the point that it physically hurts.

I'll do another post when I get back and I actually have the computer up and going. Eep!

And When You Want Something, All The Universe Conspires In Helping You To Achieve It.

And here's the announcement that you've all been waiting for. Can I have a drum roll? Okay, fine I don't need a drum roll.
But I am VERY pleased to announce that I have landed my first part. Ever. And the first of many, I hope, because everyone needs to start somewhere. I think it's going to be tiny (at least I hope so because I want to minimize my stress) but who cares?

I am Camel Driver in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. According to SparkNotes, my character description is "Camel Driver - A friendly former orchard owner and devout Muslim who feels content with his life despite losing his orchard in a flood. He has made the pilgrimage to Mecca and lives his life in service of omens from God." I'm waiting on the script and the rehearsal times and stuff but how cool is this? Second audition and I got a role. Just...I dunno. Like just the idea of it is completely terrifying. And exhilarating. And I get to bury myself in the life of someone else.
So I'm immersing myself in The Alchemist and the beautiful thing about it, the omen if you will, is that it's about your Personal Legend and how the heart knows your Personal Legend but gets quieter and quieter the older we get because it doesn't want us to suffer from not fulfilling it. But if we listen to the Soul of the World and listen to the omens and follow them, then we will know our Personal Legend and be able to fulfill them. This story speaks to my heart in ways that few others have. It is incredibly profound and lovely and something from which to learn. Because sometimes it's not the destination that's important, but the journey and what you learn and do while on it.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned some of the things that have happened when I've been doubting or questioning. I suppose they can be taken as coincidences but I don't believe in coincidences. I never have. I'm taking this as one of those signs because what are the odds that my first role will be in a story that is telling the story of following your heart and dreams? And not just that, but my first role is someone who follows the signs that are given to him. How can that not be a sign to me, that this is what I am supposed to be doing? If I follow the omens that the hand that created the universe is giving me, I will do what I am meant to and I will find my happy ending.

I know that we each have something that we are supposed to do and I implore all of you to search your hearts and find it and remember, or if you already know it, take the leap of faith and fulfill it, no matter what it takes and no matter what others say. Listen to the Soul of the World and you will learn all that you need to to fulfill your Personal Legend. Please. We can succeed together and I want all of you to succeed too. Look for the omens and follow your hearts.

No News is Good News

Well. When I get news, y'all will be the second to know. The first is Anayetzy only because I know she doesn't read this and I thought she'd like to know the results of the audition.
I'll let you guys know as soon as I get the information.
I'm excited about this too.

When I was human I had to eat constantly. It was kind of annoying.

So I'm pretty sure that that was one of the best experiences I've ever had. And that's including the workshop we did with a couple of the British actors in theatre yesterday. Which had me mentally freaking out because we did the thing from Midnight. I don't like mimicking. And I really don't like trying to say the same thing at the same time as someone else. Although I see what David Tennant meant when he said he really enjoyed it because it was like doing a theatre exercise and he loved being in his roots like that. I get it now because I would have enjoyed it immensely...IF I HADN'T BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE BECAUSE OF MIDNIGHT!!!!
So it was probably off the high of adrenaline and excitement and Britishness that made me sign up to audition today. But I can't find myself an excuse because it. Was. AWESOME! Completely night and day from the other one. Last time I was so nervous I wasn't eating. This time, I was so busy I didn't have time to eat but the flip side was I didn't have the chance to get nervous. So I was warm and friendly and all smiles with some laughs thrown in. I genuinely enjoyed it this time. Whatever the formula was, it worked. Again, I don't mind if I don't get a part. I probably won't. But I want to work with this miniplay so that I can get used to working in that setting. I want to learn. I want to learn how to work as this team because my theatre class is the best. I'm just loving the people in it. And it's a different love for what I have in my soc class. That is the introvert who loves studying people that loves that class. The extrovert is diving into my theatre class wholeheartedly. Not so much a fan of writing plays but that is okay. I'm not the type to come up with the plans. Point me in a direction and let me do my thing because I am a force of nature like a...a...hurricane. Or maybe a tornado. I dunno. Whatever. Just let me do my thing because I have incredible energy and focus for short periods of time, which is why theatre will be good for me. I won't be able to do the same thing over and over and over and over. That burns me out and I start lashing out because I feel bored and restless and unfulfilled. I'm constantly doing and learning new things in theatre. And because I have that outlet, I can handle better the monotony of my other classes.

Which is weird because you'd think I'd like labs then because of the doing element. But no. For whatever reason, Chemistry and Biology are two areas where I'd rather be the archaeologist than the astronaut.

Anyway, there's the audition report for this one. I LOVE YOU ALL AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A FABULOUS DAY!!! Until next time!!

Bait the hook well, this fish will bite.

Two posts in one day. I feel like it's a new record. Whatever.

I just did something totally insane. Something totally, stupidly, wonderfully insane and I am just thrilled. I signed up to audition for...something tomorrow after one of my classes gets out. Oh, my gosh. I'm doing a cold read because after the debacle of the monologues (practice makes more comfortable), I'm going to rely on the equivalent of sight reading which I'm actually really good at.
I don't even know what I'm auditioning for. I'm the first auditioner (auditionee?) tomorrow and actually of the auditions. Gulp. Not sure what I was thinking but there it is. It was completely insane and what's funny is I almost didn't look at the board on the way out. But that lovely little voice nudged me and said go look. So I did and on one of those crazy impulses from my ESTP personality (the INFP wouldn't have the nerve), I signed up.
And part of it could be that I was coming off a high of performance from my theatre class and I was over the moon about the fact that I had just spent a bunch of time around a pair of British actors who are here to do Much Ado About Nothing (remember that one? I did a monologue from that play last audition).
I'm insane. But it's gambling time and while I may be a practical Idahoan girl at heart, I have Vegas that bled into her. And nobody can gamble like Vegas.

This isn't a question of what I'm not. It's a question of who I could be.

Hi, friends! It's been a while. I haven't been doing much other than waiting for Friday nights so that I can watch Z Nation and so that it's the end of the week (which means Doctor Who!!!!!). And I've been watching a lot of Supernatural because every time I walk out of my Book of Mormon class, I've got Supernatural on the mind. Especially when we start talking about Lucifer and the War in Heaven and why he fell. Yeah... I just got to Season 3 again and for the first time (probably because I was emotionally stiffer than, well, a 2x4 the first twelve times I watched that finale), I actually cried at the end of Season 2. Poor Dean...

That wasn't actually what I wanted to talk about today. I want to talk about Marvel. Specifically the Marvel Cinematic Universe. From what I've seen from the internet, a growing number of fans are clamoring for Black Panther to get his own movie. And that's perfectly fine with me. I love Marvel and I know I'll love pretty much any movie they do. I also love the X-Men which is why I'm pretty much praying that Fox at least lets Marvel borrow the rights so that we can have an Avengers, X-Men team up because I know that happened frequently in the comic books. :D

No, but seriously, I've noticed a lot of fans beginning to clamor for a female superhero stand-alone movie. And I read an article online that made me shriek with excitement. On the inside, of course. I was eating breakfast around people and I was not in my dorm room where I could do so in privacy. But the female superhero that the writer of the article suggested is my absolute favorite superhero. Forget Magneto, Wolverine, Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, and Captain America. I love them to pieces, I really do. But there is one who takes the cake beyond any other character of a comic book movie or TV show and that is Carol Danvers, AKA Ms. Marvel AKA Binary AKA Captain Marvel. She is my baby. She has a beautifully rich backstory and a complicated as hell storyline, both elements that Marvel seems to do well with AND she would be able to help stand as another bridge between Earth and Space storylines. She can also be the badass secret agent with the warm, compassionate thing people want from females. She can do both. Not only that, but she was present in Age of Apocalypse (the new X-Men that should be coming out eventually) and Age of Ultron (the Avengers sequel) so she could in theory if Fox decides to play nice help bridge the two with Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch who are in the Marvel Cinematic Universe if I recall correctly from Thor 2. Quicksilver was also in the most recent X-Men (Days of Future Past which was FABULOUS AND AMAZING AND I WANT IT TO COME OUT ON DVD ALREADY!!!). She also could be a member of S.H.I.E.L.D. since she was for a time without her powers. So Ms. Marvel could in theory be a very strong game piece and a game changer for Marvel Studios, if they're paying attention and do it right. They're bringing out Ant Man and Doctor Strange, the latter may become the equivalent of Iron Man in terms of fan popularity if Marvel's plan works like they hope. Is it really so far fetched that Ms. Marvel could be on their tails? There are so many ways that they could tie her in to what has already been established. But the reason for this fantasticness that is my soul right now is I've always wanted to be in a Marvel movie and no one can blame me for wanting to be a star because the extroverted part of my personality is all about the limelight and prancing around on stage. If that happens, that Carol is getting her own movie or is going to be introduced in someone else's movie, I hope that I'm available to audition for that. I love that character and I would absolutely love to portray her. If I don't, the world won't end. But I want that opportunity.

Hope and faith. It's what I run on, along with a heavy dose of hard work because life isn't just going to be handed to me on a silver platter.

You died a failure because you didn't try.

I'm sure you're all anxiously awaiting for my news. Hah, I doubt that. But it does feel good to be able to write about something I have done, rather than something I will do or a weird story or whatever I've been writing about. Strangely satisfying.
Okay, so that was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced in my life. Well, no, watching my friend bleed from her head was pretty terrifying. And so was getting trapped in an elevator and having to go near them all the time. And the first time I performed on stage. That was choir, but I was so nervous, I actually made myself sick. It was probably just a cold but it was a stress cold, which in my experience are the worst kind. And the Weeping Angels...
Let me amend that statement to one of the most terrifying things I'e ever experienced in my life. I'm a big fan of eating. Always have been, probably always will be except when I'm extremely stressed, in which case I don't eat and I don't feel hungry. I should have recognized the signs, to be blatantly honest but I haven't been that stressed in like a year and I tend to forget things in the past because I can't change them so there's no point in dwelling.
Although the dude at the desk was super nice and totally helped calm my nerves a little. He told me about this movie with Robert Downey Jr and I won't repeat it because I don't remember most of it. But I do remember the highly inspirational thing that was at the end of that little pep talk. "'You died a failure because you didn't try.' Don't be like Harrison."
That really does sum up my greatest fear. It would be so easy to go through life without trying. People do it every day.
Sorry, I'm supposed to be talking about the audition. I'm really tired and absolutely starving but I'm waiting until lunch to go eat so that I can digest during my freshman seminar class.
WOW, I can't stay on topic. Anyway, the whole audition is kind of a blur except for messing up one of the lines of the Shakespeare and two of the CSI Neverland. I did have them chuckling at the end of Neverland 911, so I feel vaguely accomplished. But I was so nervous and it must have shown on my face. And instead of answering honestly about how I was, I had a momentary snap at the honest voice because you NEVER SAY HOW NERVOUS YOU ARE, I answered with a smile that I was actually pretty good although I may forget a line or two. Also a booboo and I knew it at the time, but that's okay. I want to get more comfortable with auditioning before I actually get a role so if I killed any chance of getting a role in "See How They Run", it may or may not have been accidental. But once I started talking, there were a few moments here and there where I had to frantically flip through my mental files, but other than that I wasn't nervous and it was okay. Until I stopped. I walked out and immediately burst into the hysterical laughter that happens when I come down off an adrenaline high. The other auditionees (is that even a word????) looked at me like I'd lost my mind and grown a third head and Scott Savage (the dude at the desk with a total superhero name and I told him so) said "See? You're laughing. It wasn't that bad." I paused and said "At least I'm not crying from relief. Laughing is much more therapeutic." He chuckled at that. So I'm well aware that I won't be getting a part. And that's okay. Because it's like tennis. (Tom Hiddleston is fabulous because he also is way into tennis and compares acting to it. Bless him.) When I first started playing tournaments, it took me what seemed like forever before I won a match. I was so nervous and inexperienced and that does affect everything, contrary to popular belief. Auditioning is like that. You can't win the tournament (get the lead role) until you can win the first match (auditioning). Each match after that is a smaller role that leads up into the big one. You can't just jump into winning tournaments, although some (very, very few) do. Experience and comfort. Even now, I'm less nervous and more excited about each match I play. And that's where I want to get to in auditioning.

...You know... I may not be playing tennis as regularly as I used to, but it's something that will always be a part of me. And the lessons I've learned about life from tennis can be extrapolated to fit other activities. Which is why I know I'll be able to be less nervous. That first time is absolutely terrifying even when you don't have a prayer of winning. But you learn how to work it, how to deal, and how to thrive. I used to hate people watching me play. I love it now and high school tennis was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me because I was the star and I had to be. Even when I wasn't in the top spot, I was still the top dog and everyone knew it. I had to become a leader and a star very quickly and learn to thrive in attention because I would get it from both my team and the other teams. I learned to love the cheering, even when it wasn't for me (with a few exceptions, but no sports team in our school liked to play those schools because they were all completely rude.) I will eventually get to that point in auditioning (I've already got the instincts, I just need the confidence) and once I do, I'll be taking the world by storm.

Neverland 911, what's the emergency?...Oh, dear! Please hold!

Well, this is it. First audition ever is tomorrow. I'm preparing two monologues, one comedic and one dramatic. One is contemporary and the other is Shakespeare. I'm trying to round things out and demonstrate that I'm awesome with all styles so that people know when I go to audition for Midsummer Night's Dream that I can handle whatever is thrown at me.

Sadly enough, I love the Shakespeare one better even though it's way more complicated. Because it actually does fit my personality very, very well and how I respond to romance. It's from Much Ado About Nothing which may sneak in as a close second after Midsummer Night's Dream after this. Simply because of Beatrice. She is like my soul animal. She's my home girl. Ya know? It's a very passionate game-changer, this monologue. And the coolest thing is that I'm feeling her emotions, the emotions of this girl who doesn't realize the consequences  of her actions until they're staring her in the face and she's slapped with reality. That sounds like everything that has ever happened to me and what it takes to get me back on the ground. I'm feeling pumped and horribly terrified but I have a good feeling about this. Not that I'm going to get the part because I'm probably not. I don't care so much about that. I just want to audition and be able to strut around on a stage for a few minutes, not as a group. Have I mentioned I like the limelight more than I let on?

My theatre teacher told us to tell the truth. He was talking about our plays that we're writing (I should probably start on that...), but it applies to this too. And Beatrice is my truth.

For the other one, it's more about pulling off bored, not concerned. Haven't quite figured out if I want to be serious and then totally laid back with an attitude for the second one or if I want to sound bored out of my mind and then with an attitude like I was talking to one of my best friends. I think that way might be funnier (according to the trailer in my head), but I dunno. Haven't decided yet. Ooh, I'm so excited. I'm more excited to just audition than anything else. Which is horribly funny because I couldn't have done it two years ago. Choir... Choir has helped. My solo that I did even though I was nearly dying and the quartet and the duets I've done... they've helped me to release the showgirl that just waits for the chance to purr.
Hopefully this can release her a bit more. If I were to meet the me from even four years ago, she would look at me like I'm completely alien. And that's okay.

"Everyone changes, when you think about it."~ The Eleventh Doctor, Doctor Who: Time of the Doctor

Well, wish me luck, peeps!!!

Salt Lake Comic Con 2014

So normally I would put something like this on the other blog but I think it would fit better here. Because...

COMIC CON!!!!!!!

My first Comic Con of many (I'm sure) and I absolutely loved it. I would say easily that that was one of the best experiences of my life so far, if not the best experience I've ever had.
Stock pile of actors I met:

Michael Welch

Now see, I was expecting to meet all the rest of those people. I was not expecting to meet him. And my reaction broadcast that. I turned bright red and had trouble forming sentences. Basically, it was the reaction I had with everyone else, but this time I was in front of him and had to at least attempt to maintain some dignity instead of being in the safety of my home where I could hyperventilate and giggle and squeal with excitement. Yeah... I couldn't do that without being labeled a loony bin. We should all be proud that I managed to hold myself together and remember my name. But Michael is such a sweetheart and I'm kinda upset that I didn't get to spend more time talking to him because he actually managed to put me at ease. But my meeting him was very special because he was my first actor I met, my first autograph, and my first picture at my first Comic Con. It doesn't hurt that he's a very lovely individual to look at too. But here's how much I loved meeting him. I hate Twilight (for a multitude of reasons, but that's not the point). And because I met him, I want to go and watch them again. :)

Craig Parker

This guy is awesome. He was the elf Haldir in The Lord of the Rings (my favorite fantasy series/serial/whatever) and I always thought Haldir was much hotter than Legolas. So let's be honest, this was a huge treat for me. He was also in Legend of the Seeker as Darken Rahl (I enjoyed it but the series trespassed too far from the books for me) (I always loved Darken Rahl too even though he was completely crazy). And he has seriously one of the best accents. He's a Kiwi (New Zealander for those who don't know that term). And I did a brief bit of research on him when I was waiting in line to take a selfie with him and my aunt. His birthday is actually a week after mine. Isn't that just fabulous!!! We had a quick chat about that because let's be honest. I love people who have birthdays near mine. (He even identified me as a Scorpio like him, so that bumped him up a bunch o points). Again, I'd have liked to talk to him longer and just chat. But he's just so cool. 

Paul McGann                    Colin Baker                     

When I found out I was going to meet them, I stopped breathing and started crying. Doctor Who has returned to me a love of life and a desire to live. IB had killed it. Doctor Who brought it back, just as it had been brought back from certain death. And I root for the underdogs in TV and movies (part of why I like villains, you know they're going to lose, so I root for them). The Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker) is one of the more generally disliked Doctors of the incarnations. And I've seen an episode and while it was probably not the best episode to introduce me to Six (it was the Two Doctors with Patrick Troughton) because Six was absolutely bonkers and even madder than Eleven was. And at the time I thought Eleven was the cream of the crop for bonkerishness. Six trumped him. So I started researching Six and I found out that he really didn't stand a chance. Doctor Who was suffering and the writers were hard on him from the start (he nearly strangled a companion and I don't care which companion or Doctor is in question, that's a big no-no). Then he had a whole season devoted to his trial, and people on trial are naturally miscreants. Not only that, but he came after the adorable, young Fifth Doctor. So my heart just ached for Colin Baker because he seriously drew the short end of the stick. Besides, he's got one of the boomiest voices ever and he reminds me so much of my grandpa. It's fantastic.

Similar situation with Paul McGann. He's so underrated that it's not even funny. The man helped keep the fandom together during the dark times. He has done so much for the fandom but all he gets video wise is The Movie and a six minute minisode. Everyone does agree that the Eighth Doctor gets his time to shine. And here's where I prove that I like Paul McGann better than Colin Baker (sorry). When I told him I loved Night of the Doctor, he laughed and was like "It's amazing how much they can pack into like six minutes". Then my aunt commented that I'd probably seen it around five dozen times (not entirely true, but whatever, I was so stunned I didn't think to correct her). Paul got this sheepish grin and leaned in towards me. "I've got a confession to make." I leaned in. "I've only seen it once." I did that weird giggle thing of disbelief and said "Seriously?" He was like "Yeah, and it was only because my son forced me to. I watched on a phone between my fingers!" At which point he lifted his hands up to show me what he meant. He laughed. "It's so weird watching yourself acting. I can't do it because I'd go mad." Absolutely lovely gentleman. With a fantastic accent. Seriously, I wish he got more credit for all the work he does for Who.

Stan Lee

Does this man need an introduction or comment? He's the father of Marvel. And I'm so honored to have met him before he died.

Stephen Amell           John Barrowman    

Last, but certainly not least. And for the record, I'm listening to John sing right now. The man has a fantastic voice. I didn't actually meet Stephen Amell. Which is okay, because I don't watch anything with him in it although I think I might have to start watching Arrow.

John Barrowman though. He made me laugh and teased me and we had to take two pictures with them because SOMEONE(...cough...John...cough...) blinked. I'm not sure I could have been any closer to the man physically. But that's okay because I think he is totally cool. And it's really telling that he chats with EVERYONE who gets near him and he photobombed people on Friday when they were taking pictures with the TARDIS. He has so much energy and he just loves his fans. I don't think I've ever seen anyone quite like him and to have met him... This won't be the only time I meet him. I know it won't.

So those are the actors I met and a quick little story with them. I also saw Eliza Dushku, Eve Myles, Giancarlo Esposito, Hulk Hogan, and Simon Helberg (IMHO, he needs to shave). I got autographs from some actresses in LA Slasher, which doesn't come out until next year but we went to the midnight showing last night. Elizabeth and Abigail. They're so cool. 

The point this is to say how much I want to be one of their number one day. LA Slasher made me flinch because of the nature of what I want to do but I figure that as long as I'm nice and I don't act super stuck up, I should be fine.

I want to be able to get to know all these brilliant people, to be able to just chat with them. I want to be the kind of person that other people look up to. I want to be able to give people an out when they need to take their minds off of the troubles of the world. I want to be able to help my family. But now that I've gotten this taste for talking to celebs, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it. I love learning about people. I really do. But most of the time I'm too shy to be the one to begin the conversation. But this really is the only thing that both the people pleaser and the peacock agree on. I want to do this. I don't want to delay it. But certain promises have been made to me as long as I make education a priority. The only problem with that is it's not specific. School education? Life education? So until I can get an answer to that question, I'll stay in school because I don't have anything better to do.

Well, let's see. It should turn out to be pretty interesting.

So I'm sure that all of you are anxiously awaiting to hear my first experience with theatre outside of fainting as Lady Macbeth in my 9th grade English class or the rendition of Les Justes (I was the poet terrorist, no idea what his name was but if I looked it up, I'd remember) from French last year.

First day of class, what happens? We were told to basically improvise a story that the prof told us and perform it in front of the rest of the class. One way to completely panic me is to tell me to come up with something on the spot. Unless I'm writing, my creative mind is not good under pressure like that. But you know...once we'd figured out what we were going to do...I was so nervous because I was one of the three "named" characters in the story. In fact, so nervous, I started giggling (not the most appropriate thing for anything ever). I was on the verge of panic.
Until I started to perform. The curious thing was that I completely forgot there was an audience. Not only was there an audience, but I'd never met these people before, I've never seen these people before, and these people have done more acting than some partial crap in a non-theatre class or setting. I was working with people I've never met or seen who have a whole sight more experience than I do. And I managed to forget there was an audience. Completely and entirely. With all those stresses that normally would send me into near-hysterics, I was completely calm. Well, I was concerned that my "son" was being horrible and ignoring me but other than that, I was calm. And then the audience started clapping and it kind of shook me out of whatever airport world my mind had taken me to. And I suddenly wasn't male anymore.
I do believe that that is the most fascinating thing that has ever happened to me. And if that was my natural response, being pretty much completely untrained in any of the theatreness stuff and being completely panicked, I can't even fathom what will happen once I get trained. I'll either get better or worse.

I guess I don't get stage fright. Wait, I knew that. Choir. Tennis. Duh. Sorry, folks, I'm a bit tired.

“One good solid hope is worth a cartload of certainties.”

And so it begins...

First day of college. And while I would normally rant about how much running around I have to do (I'll save that for the other one), I would simply like to point out that there are auditions for a play next week. I have a week to memorize two monologues, one comedic and one dramatic. Now that my computer is temporarily up and running, I'll have a chance to find good ones that I can pull off. I'll also have to do some research on the play itself, not much because I don't want to overburden myself with outside information since I have to do a thing on that play for my theatre class and having extra information would kind of be cheating. At least in my perspective, it would be. If I get a part, then there's no way that I won't be using that information because I'd have a reason to know it. And a darn good reason, too.
The play is called "See How They Run". I know absolutely nothing about it but what I do know is it's go time. Time for me to have supreme confidence in myself outwardly even though I'm absolutely terrified on the inside. 200 points is 10% of my grade. ONLY TEN PERCENT!!!!!!! Sigh... Pretty sure I've bitten off more than I can chew. But what the heck? Let's see what this ol' girl can do, shall we?

Wish me luck, internet friends!!

“Learn the way and find your own way.”

Next year, if I decide to take that year off, because I'm already enrolled in BYU, I can take online courses, so that I'm not totally behind in my studies. No matter what happens, there is no way I'm not getting my degree. I don't know where life is going to take me so having that as a backup is a good idea for me. It's a good idea for anyone. Plus, I'm not sure my pride could take it if I didn't continue to work on my degree. Of the seven deadly sins, pride is definitely my poison. I can shrug off the others, no problem. But pride is just one of those things I've always had and I've learned to harness it. Mostly.

But enough about that. The classes, other than my sociology and theatre classes (which considering those are my major and minor classes might be bad), that I was planning on taking next year I could take online if I so chose. I don’t think y’all understand how much of a relief that is. Or maybe you do. But that way I can still keep up on my studies regardless.

We made a living biological attractions so astonishing they'll capture the imagination of the entire planet!

Welcome to Jurassic Park

I got depressing news today. I was upset about Robin Williams' death. Vaguely. But while I enjoyed the movies he was in, he wasn't as much a part of my childhood as this man. You should all be aware by this point of how much I love Jurassic Park.
This is hard for me to say. Richard Attenborough died today. As far as I can tell, he lived a full, good life. A long one too. But that still doesn't change the fact that that information was devastating. And now I understand how everyone else felt.

But, that doesn't change anything. So I just wanted to share something that plays in my head when I hear his name. That is my favorite part of the movie and it makes me cry every time. That music, man.
Richard Attenborough was my TV grandpa. He was the one who made my precious dinosaurs. And I always wanted to meet John Hammond (not the book version because he was kind of a dick). Jurassic Park awakened my dreams just as reality awakened his.

Thank you, Richard Attenborough. Thank you for helping my dreams.

What, should I hurt her, strike her, kill her dead? Although I hate her, I'll not harm her so.

Ooh, two in like a week. How fantastic. And this one is more...substantial? Not just me complaining about whatever.
I'm not a big fan of reading plays. But then, plays are not meant to be read. They're meant to be performed.

Background information (and I get to talk about my sister a bit who may just be an unexpected source of support, I found out recently):
She was the one in theatre. My brother did the band thing and I did the choir thing half a century later. No, it wasn't really that long, but it can seem like that long when there's an average of ten years between you and your siblings. So really, all of us did the performing thing. I don't remember much of Anne's and I remember absolutely none of my brother's. She was a sophomore?...junior maybe in high school which would have put me at the grand old age of five or six. And I don't remember exactly what play it was. I remember two things about it, well three technically. First, after the performance, she got a really lovely bouquet of roses and the white...lady's breath? Maiden's breath? Baby's breath. Something. The tiny white flower things. She also got a Barbie dressed in Ken's clothes, which she passed on to me. I did get the humor of that though, so I wasn't completely lost even though I remember being fascinated by being in the big room and the lights and the people and I wasn't totally paying attention to what was going on.
Second, the play was about a girl who was dressed up as a guy and it was Shakespeare. Which according to Google makes it Twelfth Night. That, strangely enough, was not one of the ones that I've read and while I can't remember the titles of any except Midsummer Night's Dream and the ones we did in school, I've read a few of the less well known ones. That isn't one of them.
Third, my sister was the lead role, hence the Barbie. And I was super proud of her.

And because I was more into dinosaurs at the time (and truly, I still am), it didn't make much of an impact on me other than I was just fascinated by my sister NOT being my sister and being someone else and looking like someone else. But, I was distractable and I didn't understand and I still wanted to be an archaeologist. Then again, it wasn't too long after that when I changed my mind and wanted to be an actress so that I could have the experiences (albeit fake ones, but that was my logic). Thinking about it now means that that had more of an impact than I recognized, much like Matt Smith's performance as the Doctor in Doctor Who, although this time I was aware enough to recognize the impact.

Why am I rambling on about this random memory from the depths of my childhood? I'll tell you why. I just got the schedule for my school's theatre program. And TWO of them are Shakespeare. One of them is my favorite play of his, the aforementioned Midsummer Night's Dream. We did short performances of sections of that in 7th grade (hence the reason why I love it so much). Good memories of that. The kid that I wished would leave the state wore a dress, I was in a group with my friends (I was Lysander). Good memories. And I still remember some of my lines, which I think is the impressive thing. But do you realize how amazing that would be, for me to be in my absolute favorite play and one that I already understand?  DO YOU REALIZE?? I know, I know. probably won't happen and I should brace myself for disappointment. BUT, one can dream.. And if you don't take risks, then you won't get rewards. Besides, it'll be good for me. Tap into that side of my personality, so to speak.
Yeah. So, I'll talk to y'all later! Ciao!

Oh, and the title of this is from a Midsummer Night's Dream and was my favorite line to say... Yeah...

"I am and always will be the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes and dreamer of improbable dreams."

My problem, right now, is that my family doesn't understand. Well, my mother and my aunt sort of do. Saturday, the 23rd of August is coming, and BBC America is, as we all know, having a Doctor Who marathon to prepare for the new Doctor AND the new season. It's not just the fact that it's Doctor Who and kind of a big deal, which the aunt that I'm living with right now doesn't get. But there's just something about this show that just lets you dream. And maybe that's just because I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me. The aunt I'm living with...There's about forty year age difference, a temperament difference, a personality difference. Really, you'd have no idea that we were related. We don't even look similar, although, I look strikingly similar to her youngest daughter and have a similar personality. My aunt also doesn't have what I affectionately call the Yorgesen fire. She just sort of lives and works. It's kind of sad, really, and it makes me more determined than I thought possible to NOT become her. She says she's going to change (byproduct of her son-in-law's untimely death) but I haven't seen her make the decision to do so or the result of that. Crap, this one was not going to be one of these.
Anyway, I just want to get out of here. I need to be around people who will accept the odd streaks in my personality, including the obsessive part. I need to start living again, and dreaming, and allowing myself to dream.
Because, damn it, my particular dreams may not fit into everyone's plans, but when do they ever? When do dreams EVER fit into plans? They don't. My family wants me to settle into a stable job, probably get married, yadi-yadi-yada. I understand it, sort of. We have enough instability in my family right now. But if this gamble works out, and it will because there is nothing I can't do once I put my mind to it, then I'll be able to help ease some of the instability. I've never been much of a gambler and everyone knows it. But I thrive on impulses and instinct and I'm just as likely to keep my feet on the ground as I am to jump.

Oh, so update on the acting thing. I...may not be returning to college next year. I've been thinking about it, and I just have this feeling like I need to be out there. It's more like this panicked "go go go go go go go go" feeling. I'm supposed to be going to BYU because of what has fallen into place because I decided to go there. But I don't know how long. We'll see when I get towards the end of the year. But just a heads up to whoever thinks I'm worth following that you may get a post in a few months that'll probably be super short and holy crap, I'll probably be disowned if I do that. And if you're following this just waiting for me to crash and burn and give up, thank you. And I mean that with all sincerity.

Let's see what the world has in store for us, eh? Allons-y!

We're All Stories In The End. Just Make It A Good One, Eh?

Completely ignoring the fact that...well...I have limited experience acting, I think there needs to be something said for the fact that I think in trailers and scenes. That's how I write too, which is a problem occasionally, well more than occasionally.
Oh, but that's not the point. Sorry, I'm tired tonight and I might not make much sense. But here goes nothing.
I've always had a creative imagination. My cousin made a comment a couple of weeks ago about how most people have imaginary friends in their childhoods. And that got me thinking back and remembering my own childhood. I never had an imaginary friend. I was my imaginary friend. Let me explain that. The memory that always springs to mind is my little hand, dinosaur...things. I created stories and worlds and stuff for them. I did the same with my stuffed animals, putting myself into their stories. I acted those stories out. I've always been doing that, ever since I can remember. I've been a dragon, a cat, a dinosaur, a warrior princess, an owl. My mom has one memory in particular of when we were driving home, I asked her what color dragon she was that day and then proceeded to explain why I thought I was the color I was (I think I was dark blue) and what color I thought she was. So, yeah. I've always been different people, acting them and their stories out on my own. I can't tell you how many bruises and scrapes I've given myself from falling on the ground and thrashing around to act out a scene for whatever story I happened to be telling at that time.
I'm a story teller, but my world lies in the realm of kinesthetics and words. That's how I learn, through seeing and action and that's how I tell my stories.
You and I, my friends, we stand at the pinnacle of human achievement. We continue to move forward in all forms of learning and teaching and most importantly, telling stories. And that is what I want most of all. Even if they aren't my stories, I feel like all stories have the right to be told. No matter the person and no matter the story.

Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler, Welcome to Jurassic Park. (cue the tears)

The movie saga that I mentioned in my last post has come out with a poster for the newest film. Jurassic World. This is the saga that made me want to act because of those blessed dinosaurs. Normal people have nightmares about dinosaurs, if they dream about them at all. I had dreams where I had pet raptors. They were so precious. (this is where I mention that I wasn't the most normal girl, I hated dolls and barbies and I had a complete obsession with dinosaurs). That poster right there had me tearing up from excitement. It's old school and beautiful and I cannot wait to be able to see it.

I'm also going to talk about my recent experience with Jurassic Park although it's going to take some traveling back to the past. When I was four, I'd obviously already seen Jurassic Park even though my darling mother has told me for years that the first time I saw it was when I was almost six. Obviously that's not the truth because I had already started my dinosaur collection by that time and wanted to be an archaeologist, AND the ride encounter had already happened. But I'm going to let her think what she wants. Anyway, when I was four, I took my second trip to Disneyland and included was Universal Studios for my daddy. This was also the trip that scarred me for life with elevators, but that's not the point. The first year I'd gone (with my mother, her parents and my youngest aunt) I was under four foot. The height thing was 4'2". It upset me but I was able to be distracted enough that I wasn't super upset. But I remembered. So the next year, when I was a very proud 4'3", I was very excited to be able to ride this time. To the horror of my little self, they'd bumped up the height to 4'8". I cried hysterically, inconsolably even. And I wasn't able to return. So I've harbored that desire and pain for 14 years. And finally, finally, I was able to go. It was with some of the performing arts (band, orchestra, and choir) at my school and I couldn't have chosen better people to go with. One of my best friends and her boyfriend was among the number and they were the ones with whom I finally got to ride that ride. And I cried. Big, fat, rolling tears streamed silently down my face. Both Carolyn and Christian got to see a side of me that trip that very, very few people have ever seen before. I was so happy that I just cried. Until of course I saw the raptor pen that had the wires ripped apart. Then sheer excitement hit. And the rest is history.

Oh, and here are a few of my Jurassic Park themed pictures and one of the Universal City sign because that was the beginning of this emotional rollercoaster of an adventure.

This picture right here (pardon how terrible I looked, it was an emotional day and I'd hurt my back on one of the other rides, shhhhhhh) was me wanting to flip off that stupid sign that had prevented me years before but instead was pointing in victory. I had triumphed and it had only taken me 14 years to do so. So phooey on it!

Billy was right.

What is smart isn't always what's right. And what's right isn't always what's smart. Logic and emotions can't always coexist. Sometimes one must be chosen over the other. We're all trying to find our way in this world, trying to balance the two.
But what upsets the possible balance is this tricky thing called a dream. The secret dreams of the heart and mind pull at logic and emotion until up isn't up anymore. It's left or right or forwards or backwards and the only truth we know is what we can dream. Dreams throw everything out of the window and when one is achieved, another takes its place.

But even then, dreams may come from the same place as emotions but they're fundamentally different. They are the bridge to the mind and can destroy both just as easily as dreams are made. My dreams defy logic and laugh at emotion. They make no sense in either case. And I believe that they're just mad enough to be fulfilled. I don't think I was ever destined for anything other than to have crazy dreams because what I want and have always wanted since the first time I saw Jurassic Park and fell in love with dinosaurs. My original plan was to be an archaeologist because I figured it was the closest thing I could get to to seeing dinosaurs. But I understood by the age of eight or nine that that wasn't what I really wanted to do because I would never see dinosaurs in the flesh, and they didn't get paid nearly well enough. So instead of completely changing like I suppose normal children do where one day they want to be a firefighter and the next a cowboy, my line of logic was "Well, if I can't do that, then I suppose the next best thing for me to do would be to act in movies and pretend that I could." I've always wanted those different worlds, which is part of the reason why I write. There is this impossible place within me that has been enamored by different worlds. And I suppose acting is a way for me to experience a world different from my own.

The way most people I know are about music, I am about TV and movies. I could never get into being a fangirl for musicians. But when I discovered this magical thing called commentary on the Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl DVD, that was it. That cemented this fascination within me about how things are made. I want to know about the experiences actors have on set, that directors, writers, and producers have to go through to have the movie or show running smoothly. I want to know about the problems and triumphs and rewrites and delays. But it's never been enough. I've never experienced these things. I know about them. But knowing about them isn't enough. 

In Jurassic Park III, there's this beautiful quote by Dr. Grant and Eric that for the longest time had me living in denial. Because paleontologist was what I had wanted to be, I kind of forced myself to make myself believe that knowing would be enough and I would be satisfied. When I allowed myself to be honest and study my tendencies, knowing isn't enough. I'm not a paleontologist. I am not content with just being a fangirl of movies and shows. I want to experience what I am fascinated by. I'm more like Billy than I am Dr. Grant, which is why I could never be mad at him for doing what he did, because it was impulsive and brave and stupid and just the type of tendency typical in someone who wants to touch the stars, rather than simply study them. Because Billy was always right, at least to me.

Dr. Grant: I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys. There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts. The astronomer, or the paleontologist, gets to study these amazing things from a place of complete safety.
Eric: But then you never get to go into space.
Dr. Grant: Exactly. That's the difference between imagining and seeing: to be able to touch them. And that's... that's all that Billy wanted.
[a field of beautiful dinosaurs comes into view]
Eric: Dr. Grant, know something Dr. Grant? Billy was right.
~Jurassic Park III

Maybe Things Work Out When They're Supposed To. Maybe It's All About Timing.

It's incredibly late for me my time so I'll make this short and sweet. I need luck on my side. There is no way I'll be able to do anything without it. Luck and divine intervention. So, I already know that I am supposed to go to London and I have a feeling I will be going to school there because of Richmond University. But I don't know when and I don't know how I'll be able to do this.
But what I do know is I feel comforted which is a completely stupid feeling to have. But it's like I'm being told not to worry, just do everything that I can and everything will work out.

Don't Make People Into Heroes, John. Heroes don't exist...

Katie McGrath is my new role model or hero or whatever you want to call her. She proves that what I want can happen and it's happened before.
Hope is the best thing heroes can give to people.

You Don't Just Let Things Happen

Well, this is it. Done with high school and I just need to walk now. I'm graduating next Friday, by the way. Friday the 13th. Easily the best day I could graduate on and I will always remember because of that. I'm packing to consolidate and clean and figure out what I want to bring to college.
And honestly, I'm terrified. Really, this is insane. But...I want to. And I know that's not good enough. But I've got determination to spare. I'm also surprisingly comfortable on a stage. And it's just like any tennis tournament, which is just as much performing as on a stage. You need to take it one match at a time. The finals, the big prize for me, is Doctor Who. So, we'll think of this like being a qualifier at Wimbledon (the second week is over the Fourth of July this year, if anyone cares).
And you don't just walk into a Grand Slam without practicing. Time to start on the minor tournaments leading up. And it's one tournament, one match, one set, one game, and as always, one point at a time. The loss of a point, game, or even set isn't the loss of a match. I can do this. I just need to keep the same attitude I have on court for this even bigger challenge. Let's go!

It's not the urge to jump, it's deeper than that. It's the urge to fall!

This will be short. I'm almost done with high school and I'm staring at a precipice. Keeping my feet on the ground would be the practical decision and probably the one that my family would prefer, especially my father. But at the same time... There can be no big rewards without big risk. That's one of the mantras of Vegas and really it's time that I embraced that. I'm from Idaho, the state that probably couldn't be more practical if it tried. Seriously, the city that I grew up in until I moved here was originally called "Eagle Rock" because when the early settlers showed up to settle the region, there was an eagle on a rock. Now, it's called Idaho Falls because...there are falls from the Snake River that runs right through the middle of the city and it's in Idaho. Seriously, it couldn't be more practical if it tried.
Anyway, I'm not a Vegas girl. But I've picked up a few Vegas traits. This puts me in a bit of an awkward position. But I don't think I can be completely practical anymore. I need to take some risks. And this will probably be the biggest one I will ever take in my life.

Time and Time Lord wait for no man

I've found the right pressure to perform. In tennis, I always play best when the odds are against me and I have a reason to win other than for myself. That's always been my thing. I don't know why.
This would be a problem for acting because I would be performing for myself. I'm self-sacrificing, which is why I have some problems with tennis because unless I have something other than myself to play for, I don't have as much fight. Don't get me wrong, I still have more fight than the average person (just ask me how many times I've thrown myself into fences trying to get the ball). But it's just not what I'm used to. When I play for my team and for my school, that's when I have emotions and that's when I will break myself trying to win.
I didn't have a reason other than me for acting. Or at least I didn't think I did. Today, my mom got a phone call from her youngest sister that had me feeling a little ashamed for myself. I'm really close to one of my cousin, who is seven years younger. She has a really bad case of scoliosis. It's not like I'd forgotten because who could forget that? I'd just gotten used to it. We've all known that she has to have surgery for it because it is so bad. Her surgery has been delayed for I think five years? Four years? I've lost track of how long and that makes me feel like a terrible cousin. First it was they didn't want to do it because children under the age of twelve don't wake up about half the time from the anaesthesia. That I agree with. That is an excellent reason. Now that she's getting old enough to get ready for the surgery, now they want her to grow some because they have to fuse the vertebrae in her back where the curvature is and add a rod and she won't grow anymore after it. So, naturally, they want her to grow another foot. The problem is her spine is starting to twist. So it's a race against time basically. Regardless of when she gets this surgery, she has to have another between 22-25 to plate the rod into her spine. That gives me at least ten years to get a nice solid career and a reason to have one that fast. I owe it to my aunt and I owe it to my cousin.
I do love a challenge.

All of Time and Space, everything that ever happened or ever will...Where do you want to start?

I'm marking this day with a new blog. This is not the day that I ultimately decided to completely switch my career path mostly because I had completely forgotten about my blog thing. Which is unfortunate as I've been very eloquent and emotive when I write my posts.
Nor is this the day that I set up my college courses to incorporate said career path.
This is the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!
Just kidding.
This is the day that I begin the big planning.

Now, I'm going to Brigham Young University (BYU) for college in the fall. It's in Provo, Utah, USA, for anyone who cares. My grandpa recently died and that was where he graduated from. I've always felt closer to him than most other people in my family and I feel like I owe it to him to graduate from there too. Carry on the family tradition of sorts. I will graduate from there unless it becomes absolute impossible for me to do so. As much as the idea of graduating from somewhere else is absolutely revolting, if it comes down to choosing between my career and graduating from BYU, I think I'll have to pick my career. Or I won't. Who knows? I haven't had to face that decision yet and I may bend on that a little bit.
But the decision I've made today that I know will alter my experiences in the world is that I'm going to study abroad at the Richmond University in London. They've got my major (sociology) and my minor (theatre arts). I don't know if I'm going to go for two years or just one. But I will be going.
Reasons why:

• If I want to be taken seriously in the UK, I'm going to need both street cred and connections. I can't do that easily from the US
• I'm going to need to learn one of the accents and have it be my default. That means a lot of exposure which I won't be able to get in a couple of weeks
• Note: I also pick up accents easily and they kind of get stuck. It won't be that I'll be trying to sound like a native, I just will. I can't help it. I listen to too much country music (my favorite genre) and I get a Southern twang
• I don't want to just be thrown in for complete culture shock. I don't think it'll be too bad, because I've lived in both rural areas and a big city that is itself a conglomeration of a bunch of different cultures. But at the same time I do want to look after myself. I'll be a stranger in a foreign land (literally) and trying to find work on top of that? No bueno.
• I need to experience something outside of what I know rather than just hear of it or see it. I need to be it.
• It'll make the process of getting into the UK permanently, or at least semi-permanently, a whole heck of a lot easier

Well, there ya have it. One stage of the planning down. Probably a butt ton more stages and more work than I've ever dreamed, but that's okay. I'm in this for the long haul.

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."

                        ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
*DUE TO PROBLEMS, THIS POST WAS NOT POSTED UNTIL 5/9/2014*
*IT WAS ORIGINALLY MEANT TO BE POSTED 4/29/2014*

"Why no emotion?" "Because it hurts."

This one will be short. And it's related to the last one. Because I thought that if I couldn't be touched emotionally then I wouldn't have a problem. That's why I wanted to go into the FBI. There was no emotional risk. But it feels good to feel again and I don't want the FBI anymore. I'm sorry, but I just don't. I've watched my friends who've been in theatre the entire time at high school and they aren't aloof, they don't have the hardness that I'd been developing. Losing what I've just regained terrifies me. And even though I have no idea how to tell my parents that I want to do something so reckless and unstable as acting, I know that's what I want to do. Right now, it's because I want to feel.

"…There are a lot of people in this world who are afraid of caring, or afraid of showing that they care because it’s uncool, it’s uncool to have passion. It’s so much easier to lose when you've shown everyone you don’t care if you win or lose. It’s much harder to lose when you show that you care; but you’ll never win unless you also stand to lose. And basically, I've said it before - don’t be afraid of your passion; like, just give it free reign, and be honest, and work hard, and it’ll all turn out just fine."

                              ~Tom Hiddleston

We All Change, When You Think About It

That last epic speech of the Eleventh Doctor had me in hysterics on the kitchen floor. So perfect and a fitting farewell for Matt Smith. Mmmm.
Anyway, the subject of this post is change, specifically internal change. Just after I moved here (to Vegas), wanted to be an actress. The only problem with this was I was seriously one of the most shy people ever born on the face of the planet. Seriously. Like you guys don't even know. The only reason I got friends was because I was so angry over the move that it was spilling over and causing me to talk to people that I normally wouldn't have. Case in point, Maggie Sorenson. She and I met at church that first Sunday after I'd moved. It was the summertime and Maggie darling is a ginger, so naturally she doesn't tan, but sunburn. This makes it dangerous to be living here. And this particular Sunday she was a little scorched. She was complaining about the sunburn to some girl that was sitting next to her and I snapped that she shouldn't scratch it then. She, like me, doesn't particularly care for being yelled at and this began about four weeks of mutual hatred. Our moms decided that my mom would drop me off at their house in the morning before school and I would walk to school with Maggie, who is my age, and her two younger siblings. I can't tell you how much tension there was between the two of us. It continued like that until one morning I showed up and she had Phantom of the Opera playing. Here's the thing. I'm pretty sure that we would have continued this dislike of each other until I had to stop being over at her house every day because that's how we both were if it wasn't for that music, which was, at that time, my favorite musicals. We got over it remarkably quickly, bonded over the musical, best friendship ensued and so we have remained ever since.
I was shy, but my anger managed to blow through it. However, I realized that I couldn't be on stage or in front of a camera trying to be natural if I couldn't even look at people I didn't know. That would have been completely impossible and I got that. So then I went on to director so that I could still work on movies (which I've always had a fascination with). And then I realized that again, I would have to talk to people. No bueno.
I never lost that childlike curiosity. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey brought it back and I started back up with an obsession with learning of movies. The Lord of the Rings, by the way, is one of the most interesting movies to learn about and it's easily one of my favorites. I love those quest type movies, especially on such an epic scale. Sorry, babbling.
Even then, it didn't stir up that old desire. I was going to be an FBI agent come hell or high water. But you know what? That would have made me too hard. It's ridiculously easy for me to turn cynical and bitter and that is exactly what would have happened. I would have been a great agent. But I would not have been a good person. Heck, I probably wouldn't have been human. And...I was fine with that. It's hard to make mistakes when you aren't human.
But I wasn't happy, what I'd turned into. I was aloof and abrasive and just generally unpleasant. Part of that can be chalked up to IB. I love what it's taught me. But it turned me into...not a cyborg, exactly. But close. But then Doctor Who happened. It helped me to realize that I don't want to spend my life in one place, which was a massive surprise to me. Spring Break of my senior year, I went on a trip with the musical performing arts. I let my hair down and relaxed and I can't tell you how many people told me after it that I was really cool or really funny or that it was a shame that we hadn't talked much before it. That felt good, you know? Since then, I've been actively trying to relax. I don't have to be uptight and defensive. Already, I'm happier. I smile more. And I actually feel more. It's the craziest thing. I've got more energy and while I'm not super improved (I still prefer to be on my own and holed up), I'm starting to accept me and I think that's the most important thing I could ever do in my life.
Because I have everything going for me right now and the plans to propel me farther than I ever dreamed was possible. Give me work and I will do. Gladly.

Home. The Long Way Round.

My task for today, because I was trying to figure out what I was going to do about actually living in London, was to look at citizenship processes. Originally I was just going to get an IRL essentially and just stay there. But then I realized that that could become complicated if I had to travel back and forth between the US and the UK too much. For business, you know. Then the thought hit me. I was planning on getting married there anyway. Still am but that's not the point. So then I thought, what if I get dual citizenship? I don't want to lose my US citizenship. The US is the land of my birth. My homeland.
I was prepared to serve her in the FBI before this decision was made. I would have made a good agent but I can't handle politics. The reason why I never wanted to be a lawyer. I'm loyal to mine but the British Isles is my ancestral homeland and I've always felt loyal to them too. Fortunately for me, other than the War of 1812 and the American Revolution, the US and her motherland have pretty much been on the same side. There have been minor disagreements because, let's face it, Americans are insane but we seem to be on good terms most of the time.
Anyway, kinda went off on a ramble there. Sorry. Back onto the subject of dual citizenship. That seems like the best option for me. According to the British law thing that I looked up, you need to be:

1. 18 or older
1. I've got that covered now and it'll still apply in four years
2. Of sound mind
1. Why does everything require a sound mind? Sigh... It's my Achilles heel. It really is.
3. Of good character
1. This one I understand. You wouldn't want someone with criminal tendencies fleeing their country and going to yours. We probably have something like that in the American version after the fiasco with Cuba and Castro trying to ship a bunch of hardened criminals here.
4. Know the English language (or apparently Welsh or Scottish Gaelic (but not Irish Gaelic which irritates me)) and pass the Living in the UK test.
1. English is pretty much the only thing I can speak well. I know French. Sort of. But only writing makes any sense to me. English, I've got. And the Living in the UK test is probably something about the laws of the country and and stuff. Which makes sense because I know America does that and it would make sense to do that.

So then you have the living requirements. It's pretty much an IRL and be living in the country for five years. Since I'll be acting there anyway, I'll probably be living there for at least five years.
But...there's a catch. Written into American law is the clause thing about US citizen applying for citizenship in a foreign country. If you are automatically granted citizenship from a different country, then you're fine. But if you voluntarily apply, then yiubrun the risk of losing your US citizenship. That's something I don't want to do. So I did some further research and found out that only applies if you intend to renounce your citizenship through word or conduct. I'll have to be careful but I'm pretty sure that I can balance it so I fulfil the requirements of the UK without forfeiting my US citizenship. Which would suck royally because I'll want my children when I decide to have them to be dual citizens naturally. Which means I'll have to keep some aspect of my citizenship or give birth to them on US soil. I don't really want to fly across the ocean to give birth. Mostly because I can't believe that would be very comfortable. Also, I'm pretty sure that would endanger their lives and as my family can have trouble already, I don't want to risk it.
Of course, I could just stay an American only. But... I dunno. That's not something that appeals to me. If I'm going to be living somewhere for as long as I hope I will be there for, then I'm going to want to be a part of the place. While I'm living in Nevada, which is where I am right now, I'm a resident there. I wouldn't claim otherwise. And the state I was born is where I'm from.
I have complicated definitions. It's okay.

"The longest road out is the shortest road home."

                       ~Irish Proverb