You died a failure because you didn't try.

I'm sure you're all anxiously awaiting for my news. Hah, I doubt that. But it does feel good to be able to write about something I have done, rather than something I will do or a weird story or whatever I've been writing about. Strangely satisfying.
Okay, so that was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced in my life. Well, no, watching my friend bleed from her head was pretty terrifying. And so was getting trapped in an elevator and having to go near them all the time. And the first time I performed on stage. That was choir, but I was so nervous, I actually made myself sick. It was probably just a cold but it was a stress cold, which in my experience are the worst kind. And the Weeping Angels...
Let me amend that statement to one of the most terrifying things I'e ever experienced in my life. I'm a big fan of eating. Always have been, probably always will be except when I'm extremely stressed, in which case I don't eat and I don't feel hungry. I should have recognized the signs, to be blatantly honest but I haven't been that stressed in like a year and I tend to forget things in the past because I can't change them so there's no point in dwelling.
Although the dude at the desk was super nice and totally helped calm my nerves a little. He told me about this movie with Robert Downey Jr and I won't repeat it because I don't remember most of it. But I do remember the highly inspirational thing that was at the end of that little pep talk. "'You died a failure because you didn't try.' Don't be like Harrison."
That really does sum up my greatest fear. It would be so easy to go through life without trying. People do it every day.
Sorry, I'm supposed to be talking about the audition. I'm really tired and absolutely starving but I'm waiting until lunch to go eat so that I can digest during my freshman seminar class.
WOW, I can't stay on topic. Anyway, the whole audition is kind of a blur except for messing up one of the lines of the Shakespeare and two of the CSI Neverland. I did have them chuckling at the end of Neverland 911, so I feel vaguely accomplished. But I was so nervous and it must have shown on my face. And instead of answering honestly about how I was, I had a momentary snap at the honest voice because you NEVER SAY HOW NERVOUS YOU ARE, I answered with a smile that I was actually pretty good although I may forget a line or two. Also a booboo and I knew it at the time, but that's okay. I want to get more comfortable with auditioning before I actually get a role so if I killed any chance of getting a role in "See How They Run", it may or may not have been accidental. But once I started talking, there were a few moments here and there where I had to frantically flip through my mental files, but other than that I wasn't nervous and it was okay. Until I stopped. I walked out and immediately burst into the hysterical laughter that happens when I come down off an adrenaline high. The other auditionees (is that even a word????) looked at me like I'd lost my mind and grown a third head and Scott Savage (the dude at the desk with a total superhero name and I told him so) said "See? You're laughing. It wasn't that bad." I paused and said "At least I'm not crying from relief. Laughing is much more therapeutic." He chuckled at that. So I'm well aware that I won't be getting a part. And that's okay. Because it's like tennis. (Tom Hiddleston is fabulous because he also is way into tennis and compares acting to it. Bless him.) When I first started playing tournaments, it took me what seemed like forever before I won a match. I was so nervous and inexperienced and that does affect everything, contrary to popular belief. Auditioning is like that. You can't win the tournament (get the lead role) until you can win the first match (auditioning). Each match after that is a smaller role that leads up into the big one. You can't just jump into winning tournaments, although some (very, very few) do. Experience and comfort. Even now, I'm less nervous and more excited about each match I play. And that's where I want to get to in auditioning.

...You know... I may not be playing tennis as regularly as I used to, but it's something that will always be a part of me. And the lessons I've learned about life from tennis can be extrapolated to fit other activities. Which is why I know I'll be able to be less nervous. That first time is absolutely terrifying even when you don't have a prayer of winning. But you learn how to work it, how to deal, and how to thrive. I used to hate people watching me play. I love it now and high school tennis was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me because I was the star and I had to be. Even when I wasn't in the top spot, I was still the top dog and everyone knew it. I had to become a leader and a star very quickly and learn to thrive in attention because I would get it from both my team and the other teams. I learned to love the cheering, even when it wasn't for me (with a few exceptions, but no sports team in our school liked to play those schools because they were all completely rude.) I will eventually get to that point in auditioning (I've already got the instincts, I just need the confidence) and once I do, I'll be taking the world by storm.