I'm going on an Adventure!

Good heavens, that's a lot of views. Or probably not but it feels like it to me. Goodness.

Well, my final for the first monologue is tomorrow. I'm freaking out because holy crap. Even though I know I shouldn't because compared to the first preview, I'm leaps and bounds away from where I was. As in I'm amazed that I've done so much in the past two weeks or so. But at the same time, I feel like a turning point is looming and ready to smack me in the face. And it's completely terrifying. But as my acting professor said, "Your fear is a manifestation of your passion." So if it is, holy crap that is some intense passion. If it weren't mine, I'd almost be concerned. But I'm excited and terrified and it's resulting in a very heady emotional blend. I do not recommend it for daily consumption. But at the same time, why shouldn't we all live that way? Where what we do is terrifying and absolutely brilliant at the same time? Where we feel like a better person because of what we do?
Because I know I do. I admit my "daddy" problems fairly easily and I think because of that, people don't get how deep and swift the hurt goes. As the saying says, "still waters run deep". I also don't shy away from the other one too much even though that one I do tend to wrap up and bury it because it's ridiculous. It doesn't make sense logically.
But the point of this is to not blab about my issues (of which I feel that there are many). The point of that was to say that acting is helping me to work through it a little and let me admit that it hurts. Because it does. And not admitting it means that I'm not acknowledging it which is worse. Acting (specifically learning how to be a true version of myself) is helping me to be a better me. I'm still damaged, but that doesn't mean that I'm not of infinite worth. Because I am and I defy anyone who says otherwise.

But in other news, this monologue that has become incredibly personal to me is going to be my audition piece for a play. Tonight. And it's a little intimidating that I'm going to be revealing so much to complete strangers who are going to be focused solely on me. But I can do this. I might fall into a puddle of nerves afterwards, but I can do it.

Perhaps we lost our way because we stopped looking.

I have now met the three people who got me back into acting. Karen Gillan, Billie Piper, and Matt Smith. And I've thanked all three of them for that change in my life and I only really cried with Karen but that was possibly in part because she was the first one of the three that I met. And I feel immensely proud of the fact that because of my emotional state, I caused her to get a little emotional. It's a weird thing to be proud of but that's okay.
The other thing is the only one I told that I wanted to be on Doctor Who was Billie Piper. And she was super cool about it too. In fact she told me to come join the family. All three of them told me to go for it and it was absolutely amazing and it's making me tear up a little just thinking about it. I can do it. I can do this. And with everything I'm learning in my acting class, I know I can do this. And apparently I have the part that a much higher percentage of actors have initial trouble with down almost instinctively. I just need to learn the technical stuff and have some training. Literally the amount of training I have is almost negligible and completely invaluable at the same time. It's just...I'm kicking myself for not having the confidence in myself the first time but at the same time I learned a lot and learned to have that confidence. Plus that time helped me get a little more comfortable in my own skin which is probably something I will always have trouble with and that is perfectly okay. I cannot be perfect. But I can try to accept myself as I am with feeling like I don't exactly fit with how I look. It's been an emotional three days. Four days. Whatever. And since I feel like I got the blessing of Karen, Billie, and Matt, I feel a bit more confident in myself and my ability to actually do this incredibly intimidating thing. I know this is ridiculously far in the future but I know what kind of a guest I want to be at Comic Cons when I am a guest because of the examples I had at this one.
These things just strengthen my resolve to actually act. It's amazing and wonderful and I cannot believe how blessed I've been. It's just amazing to me. And I know I'm overusing that word but it's true. I'm in awe. And I'm so excited and nervous and thrilled beyond description to be able to do something that I want to do.
The incredible thing is that one of my friends from my theatre class last semester and my production class this semester was there too but at a booth with her sister. And I feel like I got to share my excitement and experiences with her. And that was incredible too. I wish I could just give these feelings to others so that they can understand. But this is my journey and I want to share it with all of you.
I feel like I've reached a milestone. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm in the next stage of my journey. And I'm glad that we can go on this together.