Besides which you see, I have confidence in me

 Well, it's been a while.

Hello, friends!

It's been a hot minute since I last updated anything and I am officially forcing myself to transition this to a writing blog. Do I still want to be on Doctor Who? Yes. But I'll settle for writing an episode.

For my writing credentials, we need to go back to third grade. I read Redwall and fell in love with the series. And I decided to try my hand at writing a story in my own world exactly like Redwall, which basically is fanfiction and I wouldn't realize that until I was about sixteen when I discovered what fanfiction was. I did the same with Warrior Cats in fourth grade, complete with an entire who's-who for the Clans and the new one I made up. It was intense. I stayed with that for a couple of years until I was twelve.

Twelve ended up being a pretty pivotal year for me. 2007-2008 (because my birthday is toward the end of the year). I met my best friend, Anayetzy Martinez, that year. I got into the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Programme despite not applying for the program (this is a wild story and just one more example of me being thrown off cliffs unexpectedly, which I'll come back to), which did more for me than just about anything else I did as a teenager. And, most importantly, my Young Women's leader's husband suggested a book for me to read. Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson. I mean, yeah, strictly speaking the series is Mistborn and the first book is actually called The Final Empire but I don't think I actually know anyone who calls it The Final Empire and not just Mistborn. 

I devoured it. And then reread it. And then reread it again. And again. And then I read the second one. And then I hounded my parents until they took me to Barnes & Noble so I could get the third one. And then I threw that book against the wall because of one of the revelations toward the end. And for some reason, all of the books I read between the ages of 10-18, I just assumed that the author was dead? 

I don't know either.

I also still have that borrowed copy because I kept rereading it and just kept forgetting to give it back (sorry, Luke Yardley! You're also the best for not insisting I give it back!)

But the point is that I read Mistborn and decided, in all of my twelve-year-old wisdom, that I could do that too. I could write a story like Mistborn, but most importantly, I could write my own story. The characters Miya and Mia (names taken from The Princess Diaries and that specific scene where Lana gets coned) were born. Miya accidentally killed her parents with magic and went off to a magic school to learn how to use her magic, and then she became like this assassin bodyguard? And Mia was a necromancer with a pet dead sparrow named Fergy. And my boy Jay, who wasn't usefully magically. 

This was shortly before the anti-fairytale I wrote in seventh grade as a precursor to Sleeping Beauty about a princess who had to go rescue the prince she was supposed to marry, and then she and the witch who kidnapped him, fought about who was going to keep him because neither of them wanted him (because Prince Hubert was an awful individual). And then Prince Hubert died falling off a cliff, the princess got to live her best single life, and her sister got married and gave birth to Aurora.

I was also around thirteen, so that should pardon me for the ridiculous angst going on there.

I've been working on that story more or less for the past fourteen years. I've written actual fanfiction. I've had a thousand and one ideas, from assassins that are cat/wolf themed to And I got into Brandon Sanderson's class at BYU. Which is still one of the crowning achievements of my life and further proof that I am rather blessed.

And then my cousin Jocelynn Taylor and I, in August of 2020, were up much too late and talking. And we got onto the subject of her sister's questionable reading choices (because MMCs are always so problematic, even though I love the characters that are assholes the best). And then the fact that love triangles in YA novels are actually love lines because in order to have a triangle, you have to have a connection between all three points (looking at you, Twilight). And then we decided to write a book for Joce's sister so that she could have something that A) was a proper fantasy novel, B) had an MMC love interest who wasn't a questionable choice, and C) was a proper love triangle. That story turned into a plan for a trilogy. 

We borrowed some concepts from a story that I'd sort of planned out in 11th grade Environmental Systems and Societies. A single character got ported over. The magic system became triangle based, and then double triangle based once we started writing (triangles in triangles). Everything got dumped into a post-apocalyptic world. And once we started writing, things got real weird and we ended up having to basically restart the book, cutting out 30,000 words. And this is a very different book than we originally planned for.

But the characters remain the same: Jo Alderete, orphan (because all good stories have to have orphans); Alistair Gregg, golden retriever (because we wanted a character who was just good); and Nico Worthington, nerd boy (because there is a dearth of really intelligent main characters). 

A year and a half later, we finished it. Triangle Theory: Primal Surge was born out of our love and gentle mocking of certain YA tropes and a desire to give Jocelynn's sister a book with a non-creepy male love interest.

Now, why am I updating this now of all times? Because Jocelynn and I are querying for it to be published and are beginning work on book 2: Shards of Entropy. Waiting to hear back is torture for Jocelynn. Me, I just want to keep submitting queries. It turns out that submitting queries and doing all of this is a lot like auditioning, which I decided I loved after my first audition. I just want to keep querying and part of me hopes that this first really small batch decides that Primal Surge isn't what they're looking for and the larger, much more vocal part of me thinks the other part is just stupid. 

But it's fine. Our book is good enough to get published. Does it still need help? Yes. But the foundation is good enough for publishing.

Hopefully. There is an element of uncertainty here, but I'm trying not to let that sentiment out into the universe too much and instead am focusing on our confidence in what we've written. I also try not to get too overly religious because it makes me so uncomfortable when people are all preachy and stuff, but I have to close this out with an acknowledgement that Jocelynn and I were blessed with this talent and we're choosing to share it with the world, to light our candle and not hide it under a bushel.

Book Review: A Call of Bones by Margaret Sahaguin

 I don't like to go into any spoilers with reviews but I recognize that there are people out there who like to have spoilers. I understand this as there are some things that I vehemently disagree with receiving spoilers for and other things that I do need spoilers for. So I think I'm going to be breaking this up into two different sections. And I'll update when I find out when the book is getting published.

Full Disclosure: I received a beta copy of this novel from the author in exchange for my review, which will be as honest as I can make it.

Okay, so. Beginning with the spoiler free review, which will be drier than the spoilery one. Fair warning for that. At the end of this section will be the explanation of the rating. In blue!! Also, an explanation about why I recommend it to be read and to whom. Yay!

So what is the plot? There is a war in the fey world and a mortal girl gets dragged into it by a fey prince. This is a romance novel with overtones of that war. I'm sure that will be involved in the summary on the back of the book so without knowing what the summary will be, that is more or less all I can say about it. BUT I WILL SAY THAT THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING AND IT SETS ITSELF UP FOR A SEQUEL. Y'all, I like my happy endings.

I enjoyed the story. It had a pretty solid beginning and a pretty solid ending. The middle had some sagging but that's not unusual, especially for a debut novel. There were a couple of plot points that were less connected than I'd have liked them to be but most of them managed to at least partially get folded back into the story that by the end, I wasn't too bothered by them. 

There were some characters that I had strong, extremely strong, feelings toward, not all of them positive feelings, which is for the most part good. (As a side note, I like feeling conflicting things about characters; like, I love them but I also want to punch them in the face. Many of my favorite characters over the years have fallen into that category). I like that several of the leading characters were involved in those very strong feelings. I wish that I could have felt more strongly about the leading POV character but I had strong enough feelings for the characters around that one that my feelings occasionally spilled over into strong feelings for the leading POV character.

This book has multiple POVs, and, while I wish that some of the POVs for certain events had been different, the author did a pretty good job of not only clearly differentiating between them, but also preventing POV bleed.

There are two stories that A Call of Bones most strongly reminded me of: Beauty and the Beast, which is a pretty classic tale that has been adapted thousands of times, and the manga/anime Vampire Knight. If you like either of these two things, you will probably like this book. It also reminds of the song Tir na nOg, the version of which I know by Celtic Woman, though I'm almost positive that it's because of the fey world thing. It takes place more or less in Tir na nOg. The lack of accents on that is making me itch a little but whatever.

 If this were a movie it would have to be rated R for language and, as written, sexual content, but PG-13 for the violence and gore. So keep this in mind if you're looking to read it. 

Rating: 3.5/5 stars
One of my professors in college brought up the point that A's should be for things that are beyond expectation. C's are what you should expect because that means you learned the material satisfactorily. I would give this a book a C for the same reason that I would give that score to Vampire Knight (which I will get into in the spoilery section). As I said, it had a good, solid beginning and a good, solid ending, which is excellent. I absolutely loved several characters. The different locales felt different. The action was pretty decent, although I've been somewhat spoiled in the books I've read recently in that regard. I actually laughed out loud several times, which is impressive. This book just didn't wow me. But. There is enough potential in there that I can recognize that if you were more interested in romance novels than I am that you would be a lot more invested and probably rate it much higher. I like my romances to be the undertones of a story, not the front and center plot. So, if you like romances of this type, I highly recommend it. If you're looking for a story with solid worldbuilding and characterization, I recommend it. If nothing else, for the most part, this book feels, to me, of the same vein as cozy mysteries, just of the fey romance variety. To put it into different terms, this book is the equivalent of comfort food fare. Also, I just realized that I'm not entirely sure what the title has to do with the story but it sure sounds good. 

Now for the spoilers!! Read at your own risk!

I'm going to put an extra couple of lines in here just to make sure that there is going to be a buffer between the non-spoilers and the spoilers.

I'm assuming if you're reading this sentence that you are fine with the spoilers. So I'm going to begin with something tamer to give the non-spoiler reader a chance to bow out. For the non-spoiler reader, come back to this after you've read the book so that you can also respond and tell me I'm wrong for my responses. Just some spoilers and emotions here beyond this point. Okay?

My two favorite people, the ones that ended up at the top of my faves list, were Cirun and Samael. A dangerous place to be since most of them end up dead, actually evil, or betrayers/end up evil. Yeah, I choose my faves well. But they join a pretty illustrious list of characters so they should feel honored by this. And so should the author. I actually cannot use words to describe how much I love Cirun. And Samael makes me so soft inside, which leads me to my next point which is Vampire Knight.

So, Vampire Knight has a "love triangle" with the fabulous Zero and the Main Girl (whose name I can never remember) and the Lord Vampire Dick. Can you tell who is my favorite character from the main characters? Yeah. I'm not subtle. There was a point in Vampire Knight where I almost quit watching it because of how much I absolutely HATED Lord Vampire Dick and Main Girl didn't catch almost any of the red flags he was throwing off. Which is part of the reason why I would give that show a C. I can deal with characters that I hate, but also respect and/or like at the same time. But holy crap, I cannot deal with characters I don't even want to punch in the face, I dislike so much. And there is a character in this book that I hate as much as Lord Vampire Dick in this book. I'm not going to drop any names here because I still want you guys to read it without knowing EVERYTHING. I'll be reading it again after the book officially comes out because I genuinely want to know how this character is in he final product and knowing how much I hate this character will make it easier to deal with it. So if there is a character giving you massive red flags, I'mma just say "It's totally okay." 😊😌 I mentioned that there is a happy ending, right? That character has the reveal and everything gets better after that. My sense of justice is satisfied, more or less, by the end of the book. 

Most of the supporting cast I liked though. So while I had intensely strong feelings of hatred for that character, most of the characters I liked. Some of them I liked a whole lot. Some of them weren't around long enough for me to like more than "I like this guy". 

I am legit concerned if you have a certain ship after reading A Call of Bones. Because bruh.

I genuinely enjoyed the scenes in the Library and they made me want to go there. The funny thing is that the Library is probably the safest place visited by the characters. More or less. You'll understand why this is so funny after you read the book. Upon further thought, the Library is probably the second safest place visited.

Speaking of libraries, you know how I mentioned Beauty and the Beast?

I'm not going into more detail. Because I want things to be left for discovery. But I do recommend this book, especially if you're into those fey romance novels. Boom.

"It's alive! It's alive!"

You know those moments where you have a stroke of genius and you just go with it?

Welcome to my life.
I'm in a film and literature class. Last year of college. I'm quite ready to be done. And reading about all the adaptations of Frankenstein got me to thinking.

I can do it too.
Particularly since a certain movie studio has stalled in their own new version of Bride of Frankenstein. So I'm writing it because I know where the first installment was lacking and I know how to fix it.

I have the film treatment. I'd post it here but I'm cautious about someone stealing my idea. I'm on roughly page seventeen.
This is utter insanity. And I know this. But I've got a chance, even if I've got a fight ahead of me. It's a long shot, but you know what? Why not me?

Why shouldn't I be the one to write it? Everyone has to start somewhere. I just have a tendency to leap first.

But...this is a good story. And I've grounded it in the book and in the present. I can tell this story and I'm the only one who can tell this story this way.
Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin Shelley, I will take my place beside you as a female writer. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have the path to walk I do.

Now, this may seem odd that I'm posting this in my acting blog. But can I remind you that I am ambitious, probably a lot more ambitious than is healthy, and I have never lost my eye on the acting prize.

So I've written myself a part.
I will do this. I will do this. And I won't just let the voice in my head telling me that I am completely crazy for even thinking I could do this talk me out of this.

Here I am. Engaged in a great fight to prove what I have always known.

Certain As The Sun Rising In The East

Well, I did not get a callback for that audition (at least I haven't yet, still kind of holding out hope but it's the hope of something that odds are frankly terrible about happening). Which is cool. I realized where I went wrong once I got over the short little sulk I had. Learning experience. Everything is for my good. Not my time but the Lord's. Doesn't mean I'm not frustrated and having mega doubts (hello, lack of experience, how are you, my old friend?) but then I remember that I am good enough. I just have more things to learn. Learning is always good.

Submitted headshot and resume for maybe getting an audition. I really, really doubt anything will come out of that but I'm at least putting myself out there, doing things that terrify me more than I can ever explain. The anxiety has been a bit...complicating. But one day at a time is sometimes all I can do and if that's all I can do, I'll do it. High-functioning for the win.

Did some extra work on this...I don't even know what it was. I learned more about the plot from what the actors were yelling at each other than I did from the scene(s?) we did. I'm trying not to feel super pleased about the fact that I was most likely on camera a lot. Went with my friend. I got put next to one of the actual actors for the scene which booyah. But it was absolutely fascinating getting to watch the actual process be done. Sponge Brooke, absorbing the information.

I'm doing the proficiencies this semester, and trauma of my life, IF (big if) I get into both classes I want, I can only take one of them. One is from 9-11:50 and the other is from 11-11:50. See the issue? Problem is, I honestly have no idea which I'd rather take. One would be more useful in the short term but the other...I really do want to do voice acting. Just not commercial. I'm picky like that. But I have to be picky about some things. Making decisions about what I will and won't do early so that I don't have to make the decision later. Huh. That's a sentiment I often heard in church which I always kind of ignored because... well, my family doesn't have the best history with alcohol and other addictive substances. Plus there's the whole addictive personality I have. Fun stuff. It would be stupid for me to ever "partake". Anyway, it's kind of amusing that I am acting on the advice now. I doubt my youth leaders expected this to be where it gets used but whatever. I'm sure they'll take what they can get since I'm one of the only ones left of my age group that hasn't completely lost it.

My friend is getting ready to go to IMTA in July. I'm super excited for her. And I got invited to go but I'm not in the place financially for it right now. Unfortunately. Actually, that invitation does so much when the anxiety starts to flare up because that right there proves that even though I don't have near the experience, people "in the business" (or at least in the business of finding people to put in the business) think I've got a shot at being at least sort of good. Even if I'm not going right now. But I won't stay down forever. Gotta punch disbelief in the face. Can you see the half fake optimism I've got going on?

What's even more interesting is how my views have changed since becoming an actor. My friend (not the one going to IMTA) is very opinionated on a lot of subjects. But recently she's started going after the acting industry because, at least in part, it "isn't our job to look pretty". Yes, actually it is. The reason why you have predominantly gorgeous people in Hollywood (or people at the other end of the spectrum) is because of scopophilia. People like looking at attractive things and that includes other people. My point is that before, I would have agreed wholeheartedly (ignoring, of course my own issues concerning how my body looks and how really young I look [as a side note, I was mistaken for a sixteen year old again. Again.]). Now, I understand how things work and why they work the way they do. That's not to say that we actors need to bend over backwards to look perfect, but it is our job to essentially sell our image. I made the comment a couple of months ago that it was like selling our bodies and I'm still not sure I'm entirely wrong in that assessment. Our image is more likely to be bought if we look attractive.

But this whole revolution of making it seem like everyone is allowed to do and be whoever or whatever they want to be (which is rich coming from someone who is essentially lying honestly for a living, or will be lying honestly) completely forgets that average begets complacency. Breaking the status quo does NOTHING if everyone is also breaking it because then there is no status quo to break. The well runs dry so you can't steal from the well and then no one has water to drink.

And now that I've started to work myself up, Beauty and the Beast was amazing. Both Emmas didn't sound right to my ears, one because she stood out with her autotune against the rest of the amazing voices from the rest of the cast and the other because her accent got in the way. Evermore is one of my favorite songs (of anything, not just Disney) and if it is not nominated for Best Original Song, life will no longer make sense and I might as well buy a lottery ticket. Dan and Luke, I could listen to those voices any day of the week. And I've been doing nothing but listening to the soundtrack since I saw it. And I want to go see it again for some analysis because I've got some strong suspicions about the use of color. Also because Evermore is just so freaking amazing. Wow. Punch me in the face and call me a pug.

As another side note, MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA IS AMAZING AND IT IS HOLDING THE STAR WARS OBSESSION AT BAY LIKE I KNEW IT WOULD. Also, I think I accidentally ran into a spoiler but since it was in a fanfiction, I never know what's true and what isn't. The voice acting is simply incredible. I want to do that so badly. Patience in all things. Even though patience is NOT one of my virtues.

Seize the Moment, Cause Tomorrow You Might Be Dead

Well, I haven't updated anything recently. So really quick update on the past year.
Made it into Acting 2. Did not do the proficiency at the end of last semester because the classes that I want to get into aren't available in this semester. So I'm going to do them at the end of this semester and try to get into Acting for Film and TV and the Voiceover class. Mostly because those are the two things I want to do in my life.
In other news, I am going to meet Jennifer Hale in less than a month. She is a full on inspiration and I love her work.
In other, other news. I'm doing a playthrough of the Mass Effect games because Andromeda comes out in a month and a day. I'm so stoked. (Really, what's going on is I'm trying not to freak out all over the internet even though I really, really want to.)
In more other news, I've switched to English major because I'm clearly not getting into the acting major. And that is still painful for me to admit even though it's been a few weeks.
And my cat died a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately, I got a puppy around Labor Day (his name is Chewbacca and he is the cutest darn thing) which has kept me from completely losing it.
Okay, I think that's everything. Now onto the good news and the actual reason for the update. I have submitted my first audition for a film. And I'm off my rocker with stress over it. But I'm so stoked. I think I've got a decent shot at it. So, yeah. That's a thing.

Sick Furbaby

It just occurred to me that I may be being too hard on myself. Shocker, I know. But really. How long have I been acting? Less than ten percent of how long I've actually been alive. I've spent more time traveling than I have acting even if we do the full year versus just time spent traveling. I was talking to my friend the other day about how stressful this is because I'm so conscious of how lacking I am with acting (at least the practice part). But that same day, I had one of the girls in my acting class tell me that I was really good, especially since I've only been acting for basically a year, properly acting anyway. And I don't think she meant it that for only acting for a year, I'm good. I think she meant it more in spite of only acting for a year. Which, yeah, not supposed to base whether or not I'm good on the opinions of other people. But I can take criticism. I learned that almost as soon as I got into kindergarten because I was (and still am) pretty weird. Praise is more helpful since I still have no idea what the crap I'm doing. But in my class, I have my TA from last semester in it and she told me that I have grown a lot as an actor since she's known me.
Which tells me that I am a fast learner. Which I knew. But I always have the reminder of how long it took me to change my serve and to learn how to slice (which I still pretty much suck at but at least I can sort of do it now) lurking in the back of my mind. So the fact that she can see a difference is a good thing. But I think it's unfair of me to judge what I've got against everyone else in my class, people who have been acting for years. Actually, people who have been acting about as long as I've been playing tennis. And you wouldn't compare someone who had been playing tennis as long as I was against someone who started playing a year ago. That's not fair.
So, yeah. Been too hard on myself. Will probably still be too hard on myself but at least I know the problem is there. Isn't that the first step to recovery? Acknowledgement that there is a problem?

In other news, I have a scene today in my class. First preview. I may or may not be memorized. Sick furbaby yesterday and last night meant not a great night sleep and some heavy duty anxiety about leaving him at home today. Well, he's always sick. Technically. But he's actually feeling under the weather right now on an unrelated note from his usual sick. Peaches, my cat, has an autoimmune disorder thing that basically means he's allergic to his teeth. So, we'll see how today goes. It already feels like today is going to be a weird day.

There and Back Again

...Totally been slacking. Sorry. It's not like I haven't been doing the acting thing (which I've taken to referring to this career choice as since it makes me feel far less panicky). I just...last semester there wasn't really much to say because I'm pretty sure I took about twelve steps back in the work that I made last time. But I'm back in a class with Ben and three weeks in and I've retaken about five of those steps back. My professor last semester just goes to show how good of a teacher Ben is because he doesn't terrify me by his presence. Not that my professor was physically intimidating but I just...didn't exactly feel safe to make choices and it didn't help that there was one chick in the class that for whatever reason didn't like me at all. Well, no. I know why. She felt threatened by me. THAT I have no idea why because everyone has about a thousand pounds more experience (yes, yes, I know, I don't care right now).
But I didn't start this up again to complain. I promise. Not my intention. But I just had a fantastic experience. Ben got so many things right. I do feel like it's me against the world because there's such a prevalent herd mentality and I look at things from an angle. Not that there's a problem with that. Logically, a herd is safer since it's the ones outside of the herd that are picked off by predators. Individuality (like what I wear as a shield), is a strength and weakness. But since I get it all the time and since I've spent so many years having everyone else think one way and me thinking another way that I've got a me versus them attitude and that I'm crazy even when it feels like I'm the only sane one (which happens a lot, oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to enumerate how frequently I feel like I'm the only sane one).
And that has nothing to do with acting. But it does. Because he finally figured out (thereby allowing me to figure out) that I don't just watch myself. I watch myself through the eyes of other people, the audience. And it is a self-judgement, yes, but it's also a near constant assessment of behavior. And because I'm so sensitive (which was yet again proven today and I'm trying not to snarl about the expression of empathy I gave because it was a good thing and that's a thing I need to convince myself of), when I'm actually connecting, I open up and I can feel the energy in the room and that yanks me out of where I am (when talking in my monologue). But I actually stepped into impulses today AND he said that this was probably the best work he's seen me do AND he said that this was the first time he's ever seen me actually in my body. Do you realize what that means? That all the frustrations that I've put up with and the struggle and everything, I'm improving at an exponential rate. The year's difference is like...night and day, even with the damage the last one did. And I'm so excited. I'm a little emotionally raw right now, that's what happens when a girl with similar issues is after you and you're all open and soft (as soft as I've been in a very long time) and I just...the sensitivity thing. But I'm so excited again. And I'm hopeful. But I've been working through things, translating things, and this working with this monologue has just given me back the hope that I lost. And he gave me technical stuff to work on, stuff to get me into my body, responding to impulses. So excited.

Anyway, so my current, latest, thing is that I am very into Star Wars. It's kind of terrifying but I don't like not knowing and I don't know and (spoiler alert for The Force Awakens and you're welcome that I still give warnings) Kylo Ren is totally a good guy and I don't know how people don't see that. First of all I have decided that the talent is absolutely unreal. Like I'm taking the whole movie as a constant study for acting and each time I watch it I'm looking at the acting and holy crazy noodles. Adam Driver is so freaking amazing. And so are John Boyega and Daisy Ridley. Those two are barely a few years older than I am. I'm actually OLDER than both Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman when they did Attack of the Clones. I've also decided that Hayden Christiansen does a fantastic job of connecting. Like insanely good. Natalie Portman, not as good but because he connects so well, she does a better job than in Phantom Menace. I am in awe. Honest to goodness in awe about the talent and the acting capabilities. You guys don't even know. And Mark Hamill (I can't pronounce his last name so I refer to him as Mark Camel because at least that way it sort of sounds right)... Not the last time but the time before that, I was watching it and I actually studied him and his performance was just one big connection and I'm in awe of that as well. One of the best scenes I've ever seen him do for Star Wars. And Harrison Ford (I'm so sorry about this because I love Han Solo more than...Well, less than Anakin but close to it) doesn't do a super good job of connecting in the prequels. Which stings because I like Han more than Luke but I'd rather hang out with Luke and that just...ugh... But in the Force Awakens, Harrison does a fantastic job and is actually connecting and it's beautiful. Everyone does such a good job of connecting. Even Domhnall Gleeson (even though I severely dislike his character) does a great job of connecting. I just...ugh.
But, there's a goal that's more immediate and more terrifying. I think I kinda want to be in Star Wars. Not that I think I'll probably make it. But...why not reach for the stars. You know? Not that I'm already not pushing the limits but I'm from Vegas. Go big or go home. And I've committed to this, even though near constant state of panic.
Wait. No I actually haven't committed. Not all the way. I'm so terrified of failing that I'm not actually letting myself want this and I'm not actually committing. Huh. Okay. Well. Step one, identification. I'll work on step two later.