But what upsets the possible balance is this tricky thing called a dream. The secret dreams of the heart and mind pull at logic and emotion until up isn't up anymore. It's left or right or forwards or backwards and the only truth we know is what we can dream. Dreams throw everything out of the window and when one is achieved, another takes its place.
But even then, dreams may come from the same place as emotions but they're fundamentally different. They are the bridge to the mind and can destroy both just as easily as dreams are made. My dreams defy logic and laugh at emotion. They make no sense in either case. And I believe that they're just mad enough to be fulfilled. I don't think I was ever destined for anything other than to have crazy dreams because what I want and have always wanted since the first time I saw Jurassic Park and fell in love with dinosaurs. My original plan was to be an archaeologist because I figured it was the closest thing I could get to to seeing dinosaurs. But I understood by the age of eight or nine that that wasn't what I really wanted to do because I would never see dinosaurs in the flesh, and they didn't get paid nearly well enough. So instead of completely changing like I suppose normal children do where one day they want to be a firefighter and the next a cowboy, my line of logic was "Well, if I can't do that, then I suppose the next best thing for me to do would be to act in movies and pretend that I could." I've always wanted those different worlds, which is part of the reason why I write. There is this impossible place within me that has been enamored by different worlds. And I suppose acting is a way for me to experience a world different from my own.
The way most people I know are about music, I am about TV and movies. I could never get into being a fangirl for musicians. But when I discovered this magical thing called commentary on the Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl DVD, that was it. That cemented this fascination within me about how things are made. I want to know about the experiences actors have on set, that directors, writers, and producers have to go through to have the movie or show running smoothly. I want to know about the problems and triumphs and rewrites and delays. But it's never been enough. I've never experienced these things. I know about them. But knowing about them isn't enough.
In Jurassic Park III, there's this beautiful quote by Dr. Grant and Eric that for the longest time had me living in denial. Because paleontologist was what I had wanted to be, I kind of forced myself to make myself believe that knowing would be enough and I would be satisfied. When I allowed myself to be honest and study my tendencies, knowing isn't enough. I'm not a paleontologist. I am not content with just being a fangirl of movies and shows. I want to experience what I am fascinated by. I'm more like Billy than I am Dr. Grant, which is why I could never be mad at him for doing what he did, because it was impulsive and brave and stupid and just the type of tendency typical in someone who wants to touch the stars, rather than simply study them. Because Billy was always right, at least to me.
Dr. Grant: I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys. There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts. The astronomer, or the paleontologist, gets to study these amazing things from a place of complete safety.
Eric: But then you never get to go into space.
Dr. Grant: Exactly. That's the difference between imagining and seeing: to be able to touch them. And that's... that's all that Billy wanted.
[a field of beautiful dinosaurs comes into view]
Eric: Dr. Grant, know something Dr. Grant? Billy was right.
~Jurassic Park III
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