"Never give up. Never surrender!"

I'm coming up at the last couple of weeks of my first year of college. My audition into the major is next week and just thinking about it makes my neck hurt like nobody's business. I'm incredibly stressed about the whole thing, tension coiling in my body like a snake preparing to strike. Sorry. I've been writing a lot.
I've learned so much. And I'm not sure how people manage it. But it is the trial by fire and fire purifies. Also, I'm horribly stubborn and I'm not good at letting people in. Turns out that acting has a lot to do with it, or at least how I'm learning the craft. So I've been having to overcome  natural inclinations, defenses I've built up over the past nineteen years of my life, and a butt ton of fear concerning people in general. Yay.
Sigh. I'm not supposed to be doing that. I genuinely mean that because I like boiling down who people are and digging into the past. Taps into the writer part of my mind.  So when the semester ends, I'll have a post up about the summation of what I've learned.

I'm going on an Adventure!

Good heavens, that's a lot of views. Or probably not but it feels like it to me. Goodness.

Well, my final for the first monologue is tomorrow. I'm freaking out because holy crap. Even though I know I shouldn't because compared to the first preview, I'm leaps and bounds away from where I was. As in I'm amazed that I've done so much in the past two weeks or so. But at the same time, I feel like a turning point is looming and ready to smack me in the face. And it's completely terrifying. But as my acting professor said, "Your fear is a manifestation of your passion." So if it is, holy crap that is some intense passion. If it weren't mine, I'd almost be concerned. But I'm excited and terrified and it's resulting in a very heady emotional blend. I do not recommend it for daily consumption. But at the same time, why shouldn't we all live that way? Where what we do is terrifying and absolutely brilliant at the same time? Where we feel like a better person because of what we do?
Because I know I do. I admit my "daddy" problems fairly easily and I think because of that, people don't get how deep and swift the hurt goes. As the saying says, "still waters run deep". I also don't shy away from the other one too much even though that one I do tend to wrap up and bury it because it's ridiculous. It doesn't make sense logically.
But the point of this is to not blab about my issues (of which I feel that there are many). The point of that was to say that acting is helping me to work through it a little and let me admit that it hurts. Because it does. And not admitting it means that I'm not acknowledging it which is worse. Acting (specifically learning how to be a true version of myself) is helping me to be a better me. I'm still damaged, but that doesn't mean that I'm not of infinite worth. Because I am and I defy anyone who says otherwise.

But in other news, this monologue that has become incredibly personal to me is going to be my audition piece for a play. Tonight. And it's a little intimidating that I'm going to be revealing so much to complete strangers who are going to be focused solely on me. But I can do this. I might fall into a puddle of nerves afterwards, but I can do it.

Perhaps we lost our way because we stopped looking.

I have now met the three people who got me back into acting. Karen Gillan, Billie Piper, and Matt Smith. And I've thanked all three of them for that change in my life and I only really cried with Karen but that was possibly in part because she was the first one of the three that I met. And I feel immensely proud of the fact that because of my emotional state, I caused her to get a little emotional. It's a weird thing to be proud of but that's okay.
The other thing is the only one I told that I wanted to be on Doctor Who was Billie Piper. And she was super cool about it too. In fact she told me to come join the family. All three of them told me to go for it and it was absolutely amazing and it's making me tear up a little just thinking about it. I can do it. I can do this. And with everything I'm learning in my acting class, I know I can do this. And apparently I have the part that a much higher percentage of actors have initial trouble with down almost instinctively. I just need to learn the technical stuff and have some training. Literally the amount of training I have is almost negligible and completely invaluable at the same time. It's just...I'm kicking myself for not having the confidence in myself the first time but at the same time I learned a lot and learned to have that confidence. Plus that time helped me get a little more comfortable in my own skin which is probably something I will always have trouble with and that is perfectly okay. I cannot be perfect. But I can try to accept myself as I am with feeling like I don't exactly fit with how I look. It's been an emotional three days. Four days. Whatever. And since I feel like I got the blessing of Karen, Billie, and Matt, I feel a bit more confident in myself and my ability to actually do this incredibly intimidating thing. I know this is ridiculously far in the future but I know what kind of a guest I want to be at Comic Cons when I am a guest because of the examples I had at this one.
These things just strengthen my resolve to actually act. It's amazing and wonderful and I cannot believe how blessed I've been. It's just amazing to me. And I know I'm overusing that word but it's true. I'm in awe. And I'm so excited and nervous and thrilled beyond description to be able to do something that I want to do.
The incredible thing is that one of my friends from my theatre class last semester and my production class this semester was there too but at a booth with her sister. And I feel like I got to share my excitement and experiences with her. And that was incredible too. I wish I could just give these feelings to others so that they can understand. But this is my journey and I want to share it with all of you.
I feel like I've reached a milestone. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm in the next stage of my journey. And I'm glad that we can go on this together.

Think furnace, with wings.

Quick update. I have an audition tonight. And I cannot for the life of me get James Nesbitt's voice out of my head. I am literally hearing his voice say the words as I say them and it's causing me to mimic. Which means I have a Scottish accent for half of my monologue. Really? Is this a necessary thing? Because I could swear it isn't.
For those who are unfamiliar with the name, he's Bofur from the Hobbit movies. And today is also apparently his birthday. Or whatever day it is right now over in Britain.
Now whether or not to give them warning about the accent changing in the middle of the monologue...

"In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own"

WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!! This is my first post in the new house! I officially have a home again because my parent's finally (FINALLY!!!!!) got everything settled and I am on our internet. YAY!! Tomorrow I kind of want to start getting my room painted. I'll put a picture up when that happens because it'll be awesome. At least I hope so.
Anyway, I am having a blast. Had an audition last night and that was absolutely amazing. I managed to surprise myself and I had them laughing. That's good considering the play is a comedy. Unfortunately, can't do callbacks and I explained that I couldn't because I wasn't going to be in town. Which is a shame because the play sounds completely interesting. Or, who knows. I'll get a part even though I can't come to callbacks. Doubtful but that's okay. There will always be more auditions in the future.
I've kind of taken one of the girls in my acting class under my wing because she reminds me greatly of how I'm feeling right now. She graduated from high school early (like two, three weeks ago) and isn't even eighteen yet. She seems a little overwhelmed, which is how I feel.
Also, hilarious thing is that she thought I was a sophomore. I'm pleased sort of because that's how I feel with this huge influx of transfers and *RMs coming for their first semester because the first round of the 18 and 19 year olds is coming in. Which is weird to think that the RM's are now barely older than I am. Which is completely bizarre to think about.
Also, one of the guys in my acting class is a brandy new RM. Name's Bradley and he just got back like two weeks ago. So total **greenie. It's adorable, it really is. Super adorable. Kinda cute but I kinda don't want to be thinking about stuff like that because I have work to do right now.
Sorry. Anyway, I'm loving everything I'm learning. It's just absolutely fascinating.
I was also told today by my acting professor that I commit. Yes. Yes, I do. I managed to nearly put a hole in a wall, nearly lose my shoe, and I did stub my toe in the space of about four seconds. But the pain was worth it.
OH I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT!!! So I'm going to Salt Lake FanX. And I'M GOING TO MEET MATT SMITH AND KAREN GILLAN AND BILLIE PIPER AND TOM FELTON!!!! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME??????? Matt and Karen and Billie are essentially what got me back into the hope of acting. I owe them where I am right now and I will never be able to repay them or thank them enough for what they've done for me.

GLOSSARY OF MORMON TERMS
*RM-Return Missionary: those who have come back off of their LDS mission; missions typically last either 18 or 24 months
**Greenie: brand new RM; these are the socially awkward ones who have trouble being around females ESPECIALLY being alone with females; they also have a bunch of difficult adjusting to being a civilian again but most manage well eventually

"Our feelings can unite us."

Holy. Crap. Just had my first acting class and I discovered one thing and had another reinforced.
Firstly, I am very sensitive to changing energy. We did this exercise and I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. But my partner and I were very in tune with each other. Like we snapped into sync faster than any of the other groups. And on several occasions I was reacting to the shifting energy when the prof was sort of manipulating it. I'm just going to blame the hyperreflexia for the extra sensitivity.
But there was that. And then there was the fact that once again, I had reinforced my difference of thought. He asked us girls what our first thought was if he were to come to us and tell us there had been a fight.
Mine? Bloody. The others were more wordy and emotional. And when he asked us why he got into acting, I said to be more than I am. Which is a very versatile answer and more difficult to pin down a direct meaning than the other answers, which were about other people. Mine was about me. The prof also said that it was an interesting answer and he noticed how sensitive I am to energy which isn't something I was aware of before this. But it scarily makes sense for various reasons that I don't feel obliged to talk about or explain. That makes me feel like I have potential. There were two things he said today that gave me pause. First, "Love the character." Second, "We're all afraid and we're all in pain." 
And just from that one class, I feel more connected with people. Which is weird. Not really used to this.
But I did get to do some connecting, with sociology, which is what I was hoping for when I took the class which gave me many headaches.
Also, and just to put this down, that class was exhausting. I mean, granted I was up at 3:30 am for work but it was a little mentally grueling and I just want to sleep. But I can't as I have a class in, oh, twenty minutes.

I hope you all have a fantastic day and u will talk to you later.

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

So..I'm back. Not much has been going on. Mostly been trying to figure out my sound production thing for my intro to theatre class.
I am officially an Acting major which is now slightly scary when people ask me what my major is because I get this blink of surprise like "What? You?"
Yeah. I know. It's a surprise to all of us and I still have no ability to even pretend like this decision makes sense but I know what I want with my life. And I've been doing a lot of soul searching and having the Battle of the Five Armies coming out and having that be the end of this chapter in my life... I've been thinking a lot as I've been getting more understanding of exactly what I've gotten myself into.
But I can actually see myself doing that. Nothing else I've ever wanted to do could I see myself actually doing that. And I want to do this. Everything else, when I imagined the career, I would always imagine myself sitting back on my days off or retiring.
You all know that I've fallen in love with acting and it only took one part. I thought it would be hard to find something that I felt so passionately about because I'd resigned myself, the worst thing that can ever happen to someone. I'd resigned myself to a life I didn't want to live because I didn't dare to dream that I could have anything more, you know?
But it's so beautiful because I've always loved movies and TV and this way I'll get to do something that I love, and something that I am actually interested in. That is so special and I do not want to squander this opportunity.
But, anyway, big news! I was on the waitlist for a class that I needed for my major and I was kind of far down and I just put my faith out there and was like if I am meant to be in this major, I will get into this class. It's a film class so I'd like to take it even if it wasn't required for the major.
And yesterday, while I was at BotFA with my friend (which I'm taking as further confirmation), I got the email telling me that I'd had the class added. I shrieked. It was still during the previews so that was okay. But still. It's incredible and I am so blessed already.
Also, to show off my geeky self, Tolkien elvish (Sindarin) likes my mouth. So does Irish gaelic and that's probably why. Anywho, I love all of you lovely people. Never met any of you. But I love all of you anyway. Have a fabulous new year and remember. "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."