There and Back Again

...Totally been slacking. Sorry. It's not like I haven't been doing the acting thing (which I've taken to referring to this career choice as since it makes me feel far less panicky). I just...last semester there wasn't really much to say because I'm pretty sure I took about twelve steps back in the work that I made last time. But I'm back in a class with Ben and three weeks in and I've retaken about five of those steps back. My professor last semester just goes to show how good of a teacher Ben is because he doesn't terrify me by his presence. Not that my professor was physically intimidating but I just...didn't exactly feel safe to make choices and it didn't help that there was one chick in the class that for whatever reason didn't like me at all. Well, no. I know why. She felt threatened by me. THAT I have no idea why because everyone has about a thousand pounds more experience (yes, yes, I know, I don't care right now).
But I didn't start this up again to complain. I promise. Not my intention. But I just had a fantastic experience. Ben got so many things right. I do feel like it's me against the world because there's such a prevalent herd mentality and I look at things from an angle. Not that there's a problem with that. Logically, a herd is safer since it's the ones outside of the herd that are picked off by predators. Individuality (like what I wear as a shield), is a strength and weakness. But since I get it all the time and since I've spent so many years having everyone else think one way and me thinking another way that I've got a me versus them attitude and that I'm crazy even when it feels like I'm the only sane one (which happens a lot, oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to enumerate how frequently I feel like I'm the only sane one).
And that has nothing to do with acting. But it does. Because he finally figured out (thereby allowing me to figure out) that I don't just watch myself. I watch myself through the eyes of other people, the audience. And it is a self-judgement, yes, but it's also a near constant assessment of behavior. And because I'm so sensitive (which was yet again proven today and I'm trying not to snarl about the expression of empathy I gave because it was a good thing and that's a thing I need to convince myself of), when I'm actually connecting, I open up and I can feel the energy in the room and that yanks me out of where I am (when talking in my monologue). But I actually stepped into impulses today AND he said that this was probably the best work he's seen me do AND he said that this was the first time he's ever seen me actually in my body. Do you realize what that means? That all the frustrations that I've put up with and the struggle and everything, I'm improving at an exponential rate. The year's difference is like...night and day, even with the damage the last one did. And I'm so excited. I'm a little emotionally raw right now, that's what happens when a girl with similar issues is after you and you're all open and soft (as soft as I've been in a very long time) and I just...the sensitivity thing. But I'm so excited again. And I'm hopeful. But I've been working through things, translating things, and this working with this monologue has just given me back the hope that I lost. And he gave me technical stuff to work on, stuff to get me into my body, responding to impulses. So excited.

Anyway, so my current, latest, thing is that I am very into Star Wars. It's kind of terrifying but I don't like not knowing and I don't know and (spoiler alert for The Force Awakens and you're welcome that I still give warnings) Kylo Ren is totally a good guy and I don't know how people don't see that. First of all I have decided that the talent is absolutely unreal. Like I'm taking the whole movie as a constant study for acting and each time I watch it I'm looking at the acting and holy crazy noodles. Adam Driver is so freaking amazing. And so are John Boyega and Daisy Ridley. Those two are barely a few years older than I am. I'm actually OLDER than both Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman when they did Attack of the Clones. I've also decided that Hayden Christiansen does a fantastic job of connecting. Like insanely good. Natalie Portman, not as good but because he connects so well, she does a better job than in Phantom Menace. I am in awe. Honest to goodness in awe about the talent and the acting capabilities. You guys don't even know. And Mark Hamill (I can't pronounce his last name so I refer to him as Mark Camel because at least that way it sort of sounds right)... Not the last time but the time before that, I was watching it and I actually studied him and his performance was just one big connection and I'm in awe of that as well. One of the best scenes I've ever seen him do for Star Wars. And Harrison Ford (I'm so sorry about this because I love Han Solo more than...Well, less than Anakin but close to it) doesn't do a super good job of connecting in the prequels. Which stings because I like Han more than Luke but I'd rather hang out with Luke and that just...ugh... But in the Force Awakens, Harrison does a fantastic job and is actually connecting and it's beautiful. Everyone does such a good job of connecting. Even Domhnall Gleeson (even though I severely dislike his character) does a great job of connecting. I just...ugh.
But, there's a goal that's more immediate and more terrifying. I think I kinda want to be in Star Wars. Not that I think I'll probably make it. But...why not reach for the stars. You know? Not that I'm already not pushing the limits but I'm from Vegas. Go big or go home. And I've committed to this, even though near constant state of panic.
Wait. No I actually haven't committed. Not all the way. I'm so terrified of failing that I'm not actually letting myself want this and I'm not actually committing. Huh. Okay. Well. Step one, identification. I'll work on step two later.